What Love is Not – A Life Lesson on Attachment, Infatuation, and Lust

by NeaJ on February 8, 2010


love-infatuation

He loves me. He loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not.  The notion of love can be so confusing.  Nonetheless, many people throw the word around without regard for its true meaning.

In an environment where the word love is used to describe feelings of lust, attachment, and infatuation, you may be wondering how anyone can possibly identify pure love. The easiest way is to first identify what love is not.

Beware of Attachment

Love is unconditional; whereas, attachment comes with many conditions.  When you’re attached, you may require a person to remain accessible at all times, to meet your expectations, to provide you with physical pleasures, to tell you what you need to hear, “fix” their flaws, or to change their ways.  When they oblige, you may feel that they are “showing their love.”

However, when that person is no longer meeting the conditions, you feel distraught or claim to be “falling out of love.”  This isn’t really falling out of love, because love exists despite circumstances.  Instead, this is the typical dissatisfaction that stems from unhealthy relationship attachment.

This is not an issue that is limited to romantic relationships, as it often shows up in relations with family, friends, and others that are close to us.

Attachment creates a sense of anxiety about what is to come—a fear that something is going wrong or will go wrong. Whereas the purity of love allows peace of mind with what is.

Here are a few examples in case you’re not sure how to identify attachment disguised as love:

The feeling that you can’t live without someone

Feelings of jealousy, anxiety, or worry regarding your partner

Inability to let go of a person without falling apart

Depending on a person to make you feel loved

The feeling that a person’s actions or words control your happiness

A need or desire to control

A need to keep your partner around so that you aren’t lonely

Inability to feel peace of mind when your partner doesn’t comply with your wishes

Desire to manipulate with phrases like, “If you loved me you would…”

Don’t be alarmed by the list above if you noticed that you have an attachment to someone.  This doesn’t necessarily mean that you do not love them because it is possible for attachment to exist with someone that you love.

The key is to distinguish between the two, thus allowing love, if it exists, to flourish and create a healthy relationship.

Infatuation and Lust

Many people grow addicted to the feeling of what is referred to as “new love.”  Most of us are familiar with it.  The thought, smell, or touch of your new lover puts you on cloud 9.  You feel “butterflies” in your tummy, your heart skips a beat, your body temperature seems to rise, or you get goose bumps.  You think about him or her constantly and can’t seem to get close enough.  You want to be near this person every chance you get, to enjoy the natural high that comes from your interaction together.  And before you know it, you’re saying those 3 words: I love you.

But what does any of this have to do with love? Nothing.  The “new love” feeling is nothing more than infatuation.  And I’ll be the first to say that it feels great.  I’ll also say that I believe you can have some level of infatuation with a person that you truly love.  However, it is important to recognize the distinct differences between love and infatuation.

There may be hot and heavy sexual attraction with someone that you love, but the relationship isn’t defined by it and pure love won’t subside without it.  There may be a feeling of butterflies in the stomach when seeing the face of your beloved. But the butterflies are a cherry on top of the pie, while real love is the pie itself.

When lust and infatuation are present in the absence of love, it can be disheartening to watch the relationship’s demise.  With time, the frisky new mates find themselves faced with real life.  And oftentimes those real life issues cause the butterflies and hot sex to die down, leaving behind two confused people who have no idea why their “love” fell apart.  Well, what really fell apart is the lust and infatuation.  And there’s very little to salvage if the relationship was built on a weak foundation that had nothing to do with love.

Cheating for New Love

When relationship commitments are built around something other than pure love, it becomes tempting for many people to seek partners outside of the relationship.  After all, unconditional love isn’t a factor in such unions and the conditions that were set are not being met.

This can lead to both emotional and physical cheating as partners  choose to experience that “new love” feeling outside of the relationship, thus  satisfying their cravings for lust and infatuation while maintaining an unhealthy attachment to the partner that they’re “falling out of love” with.

The Act of Love

It’s nice to remind ourselves that love is more than just an emotion.  The word is also a verb, and the action should coincide with what’s in the heart.

Love is not painful, selfish, anxious or demanding.  Instead, it is gentle, patient, boundless, and free.

Love does not seek to deceive, belittle, or manipulate.  Instead, love uplifts, cherishes, and respects. Knowing this, it is helpful to ask ourselves before making decisions in matters of the heart, “What would love do?”

The answers won’t always be what you want them to be and you won’t always follow love’s guide.  However, having the answer will help you to realize if it is truly love that motivates you at all.

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Tagged as: Healthy relationship, Life lessons, life skills, Love, Relationship Advice

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20 Argument Tactics to Avoid for Effective Communication – Part 2

by NeaJ on February 3, 2010


communication-skills

Arguments may be the greatest test of our communication skills.  However; with desire and fortitude, we can communicate differences of opinion without the onset of anger and resentment.

The 10 argument phrases below are part two in a two part series on what not to say for effective communication. The goal is to communicate successfully, even when we don’t agree.

If you have not yet read part 1 of this Effective Communication series, don’t miss it. Just visit this link to 20 Argument Tactics to Avoid, Part One.

1. “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have done Y”

This statement is the epitome of blaming, shirking responsibility, and deflecting.  As if that isn’t enough reason to avoid this phrase, it rouses and defensive response from the other party and halts the process of getting things done.

Remember, if you’re busy casting blame, you’re a part of the problem rather than a part of the solution.

2. “You should (or shouldn’t) have…“

Resolutions never come from a finger-pointing, accusatory approach; therefore, it is more effective to discuss what can be done differently now rather than what was done previously.  The past has passed and there is no room for bettering ourselves there, so why dwell on it?

3. “You better…”

Communicating with people by telling them what they better do is a domineering tactic that incites bitterness and resentment.  Although you may be under the illusion that this makes you powerful and effective, it is not likely to work out in your favor.

Being bossed around does not typically lead people to share their bully’s vision or understand his/her point of view.  It may not even lead them to try harder or work smarter.  If anything, it results in counterproductive frustration and rebellion (either outright or passive-aggressive) towards the intimidator. [read more…]

Tagged as: communication, Life lessons, life skills, self improvement technique

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20 Argument Tactics to Avoid for Effective Communication: What NOT to Say

by NeaJ on January 30, 2010


arguement-communication

Unless you’ve spent your entire life as a hermit, interacting solely with yourself, you are no stranger to verbal disagreements—better known as arguments.  We’ve all had our fair share of them and most of us could use a few tips on effectively communicating when an agreement is out of the question.

Let’s start by analyzing a few common phrases that turn a minor dispute into a bitter feud.

Communication Blunders and Bad Argument Tactics – Part 1

1. “That makes no sense”

You can’t expect anything positive to come from telling a person that you think what they’re saying is stupid.  A better choice of words would be, “I don’t understand” or “this does not make sense to me.”

The idea is to communicate how you are relating to the other person’s perspective without casting a negative judgment upon what they are saying.

2. “I told you so”

I vote to completely remove the phrase “I told you so” from the English vocabulary.  If you believe a circumstance has happened that proves your previous point to be correct, there’s a great chance that the other person recognizes this without you throwing it in their face.

If possible, catch yourself before these words come out of your mouth and think about what you will accomplish.  You won’t make the other person more likely to listen to you in the future, but you may leave them feeling negatively about their choice.  And you have greater issues that need to be addressed if hurting the other person is what you desire from a quarrel.

If you are so insecure or egocentric that you have an obsessive need to be proven right, you may benefit more from self improvement information than the person you’re arguing with.

3. “It doesn’t matter”

If you’ve thrown this phrase around in the middle of an argument, you know that it is usually not true.  The very fact that you’re going back and forth with someone on an issue means that it matters.  Nonetheless, we often get frustrated and just want the disagreement to end.

Unfortunately, an issue that is left unaddressed will fester within.  And it will resurface like a thief in the night when you least expect it. [read more…]

Tagged as: communication, Life lessons, People skills, Relationship Advice

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How to Live Fearlessly: A Life Lesson on Overcoming Fear

by NeaJ on January 25, 2010


fearA wonderful personal development blogger, Stephen Mills, wrote a blog post series titled, The Science of Fear.  This resonated with me in a powerful way because I believe that fear is the most toxic element in our environment today.  It destroys more lives than terrorists, chemical weapons, ozone gases, carcinogens, ultraviolet rays, fast food, wars, and drugs all put together.

Facing and Acknowledging Fear

Fear comes in so many packages.  I’m sure you recognize some of the most common types of fear:

  • Fear of disappointing others
  • Fear of illness
  • Fear of death
  • Fear of not fitting in
  • Fear of poverty
  • Fear of losing
  • Fear of powerlessness
  • Fear of failure

These fears have power over the lives of many people throughout the world, often without their knowledge of it.

An angry fighter may not know that he is subconsciously driven to violence by fear.  A woman who uses her sexuality to manipulate men may not be consciously aware that she is insecure and deeply afraid of powerlessness.  A demanding cult leader may not realize that he is obsessed by a deep fear of losing control.  People who conform to cultural, religious, or societal norms may not know that they have a fear of not fitting in with the crowd.

Unfortunately, those who have yet to acknowledge the role of fear in their life are highly unlikely to manifest positive change. [read more…]

Tagged as: Awareness, Consciousness, Emotions, fear, Life lessons, Self improvement information

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Peer Pressure and Conformity: Do You Fear Standing Out from the Crowd?

by NeaJ on January 15, 2010


peer pressureFor most of us, the term peer pressure brings a certain picture to mind.  That picture usually involves teens and young adults being pressured to smoke, have premarital sex, experiment with drugs, skip school, wear raunchy attire, or even commit crimes.

These kids are often willing to go against their parents’ rules and their own gut instincts for the sake of fitting in with the popular crowd.  But what about the peer pressure that exists throughout our adult lives?

Anti Peer Pressure Hypocrisy

Parents, teachers, religious leaders, and other adults influence young people to rebel against their peers.  From early childhood, most of us hear phrases like, “Be strong.  Have your own mind.  Stick to your guns. Be true to yourself. Stand up for what you believe in.  Don’t give in to peer-pressure.”

This is great advice, but I smell a rat. And that rat’s name is hypocrisy.

The same people encouraging young people to not follow the “in crowd” are those who readily conform to the pressures to fit in with their own peer groups.  People tend to adapt to the norms established by their family, friends, religion, and society.

Most adults feel shame or guilt when they step outside of these norms, thus they are more likely to question their Inner Being than to question or rebel against the majority. Doesn’t this make them all but incapable of teaching young people to be free thinkers? [read more…]

Tagged as: Awareness, Empowerment, Life lessons, People skills

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Happiness: By Chance or By Choice?

by NeaJ on January 4, 2010


happiness-2

“Your every thought contributes to the way you experience life. So keep your thoughts positive & expect outrageous joy in 2010.”  That’s the inspiring tweet that I added on Twitter at 8:30 this morning.  I was feeling good and aiming to help others join me in the realm of self empowerment, happiness, and positive thinking.

The Absence of Happiness

Considering my positive vibe, you may find it hard to believe that I actually woke up at 7:00 feeling cranky and mad at the world.  Well…it’s true.  A bulb blew out as I flipped the light switch, my dog crapped in the floor, my favorite pair of pants wouldn’t button (thanks to an abundance of tasty Christmas cookies), and the term “bad hair day” seemed like an understatement.

There wasn’t even a slight trace of a positive thought in my mind and I really just wanted to go back to sleep.  So, you may be wondering what changed over the next couple of hours.

Analyzing the Mental Attitude

I put myself on pause for a moment.  I stopped moving. I stopped reacting.  I sat still, closed my eyes, and dismissed every frustrating thought. When I opened my eyes, I felt calm enough to reassess the situation.

I decided to rate the level of importance for everything that was going wrong this morning.  On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 reflecting a major, detrimental, life-changing impact, nothing crucial was going on.  Why was I so anxious and unhappy?  I had almost allowed a few insignificant circumstances to ruin my entire day.  This got me thinking about what it really means to be happy.

Pursuing v.s. Choosing Happiness

Some people pray or hope for happiness, as if it is something elusive that must be granted to us.  But I believe happiness is a choice.  No matter what is happening in our lives, we are always empowered to take a step back and look at it in a way that feels better.

Even in dreadful situations such as personal illness or the loss of a loved one, the choice to be happy lies within.  We may not be able to change the circumstance itself, but we can choose our perspective on it. And our perspective plays a major role in how we feel. [read more…]

Tagged as: Emotions, happiness, Positive outlook

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How to Manifest Success With Renewed New Year’s Resolutions

by NeaJ on December 31, 2009


new-year-success2How many times have you started a new year focused intently on changing things that you disliked about your life?  And how many times have you noticed that those same issues roll over into the next year, and the next year, and the next year?

If you’re like most people, it’s probably too many to count.  However, with a new approach, that can change in 2010.

Appreciate the Past & Embrace the Present

As you wind down one year in anticipation of new beginnings, it is a wonderful idea to give thanks for all that is presently worth appreciating.  This is a perfect way to put life into perspective and to start the New Year on a positive note.

One great tip is to write an “I love” list, which includes all of the people and things that bring joy to your life.  For me, having this list on paper offers an opportunity to reflect on just how wonderful my life has been for the last year, month, day, and hour.

From my dog’s smelly kisses to my cozy bed; from belly-aching laughs with friends to mornings where I have all green traffic lights….my world is filled with opportunities to appreciate.  And so is yours.

With a positive outlook on the past and present, you can rest assured that the year to come will be a delight. [read more…]

Tagged as: Holidays, Life lessons, self improvement technique, Success

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The Tranquility of Aloneness Without Loneliness

by NeaJ on December 28, 2009


lonelinessWhen asked about their greatest fears, many people profess that they are terrified of growing old (or dying) alone.  So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by what I’m about to share with you.

As everyone around me prepared for family gatherings to celebrate the Holiday season, I continued with my day to day activities.  One person after another looked at me with pity when I answered their inquiries about my plans.  There was no plan and I’d be alone during the Christmas holiday.

Upon sharing this information, people seemed to feel sorry for me. It was as if I’d been cursed with some terrible affliction.  The looks I received were the same (with a bit of added extreme) as the ones I notice when people find out that I’m single.  Shock.   Awe.  Sympathy.  Sorrow.

Many of their responses left me wondering if I should refrain from telling anyone else that I’d be alone for Christmas, a holiday that I don’t even celebrate.  “You poor thing,” one woman said.  “I’m so sorry to hear that,” said another.  And the most interesting of all, “Don’t feel bad. You’re not the only person who will be lonely during the Holidays.”

What in the hell was I missing?  I said I would be alone, but I did not say anything about being lonely.  Why was everyone trying to throw me a pity party?  Why do people ask me questions like, “How can you stand to be single?”and “how do you handle the loneliness?”  My question for them is, “How can you stand being unable to be contentedly alone with yourself?”

“Language… has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone.” Paul Tillich [read more…]

Tagged as: Awareness, Egoic mind, Emotions, Life lessons, Positive outlook

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How to Give Heartfelt Gifts That Last a Lifetime

December 23, 2009

No matter how much money you have (or don’t have) you can make hopes and dreams come true this Holiday Season.  You can give gifts that bring smiles to the faces of loved ones and strangers alike.
Of course I’m not speaking of the gifts that you may find jotted on a Christmas list, wrapped in [...]

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Truth and Reality vs. Your Outlook and Perspective

December 19, 2009

Is Perception Reality?
Have you ever perceived something to be so objectionable that you took strong offense to any contrary opinion?  Typically, this is how it goes…
You look at the situation, which is so obviously egregious, and you’re convinced that your perspective is the only one that makes any sense.  Those who disagree with you are [...]

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