4 Great Reasons to Mind Your Own Business
When was the last time you saw someone doing something you disagreed with so strongly that you had to say something, even though their choices didn’t directly affect you? I’m sure there isn’t a person in the world who hasn’t been guilty of this. It is normal to be concerned with the choices of family, friends, neighbors, and even strangers. However, I’d like this self improvement article to address the ways in which people act on those concerns.
I’m not talking about getting involved if you witness a crime. That is truly a time to help your fellow man. What this article is about is giving unsolicited advice when you observe someone making a personal life choice that you feel is wrong.
There are so many examples. Let’s say someone you know is remaining in a dead end relationship, spending too little time with family, working too much, following the wrong crowd of friends, marrying too young, spending money unwisely, taking too many risks, supporting a political party that you despise, dating someone who’s wrong for them, etc…
When faced with these situations, many people feel that they are helping by trying to persuade others towards a different choice. But I’m convinced that pushing others to do what we feel is right is often a bad idea.
Let’s take a look at 4 great reasons to mind your own business.
Unspoken messages of “helping” (or prying) create defensiveness
Defensiveness is the first reaction for many people faced with unsolicited advice about their life choices. Why? There are many reasons, but the primary trigger is the underlying message of the person who thinks they are helping.
When you let a person know how you think they should change, they get much more from you than the words that are coming from your mouth. What you’re feeling as you speak to them comes across. The unspoken messages being heard may include:
“Your way isn’t good enough”
“You are wrong”
“You aren’t good at making decisions”
“You are helpless”
“I feel sorry for you”
“I know better than you do”
“You’re not capable of thinking this through yourself”
If you’re offering advice to someone who doesn’t want it, there’s a big chance that you believe one or more of the statements above. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be interfering. Unfortunately, there is a negative vibration attached to these thoughts. And it is often felt by the person that you thinking you’re helping. Upon feeling such a vibration, a person may respond with defensiveness or rebellion.
Realize that you are never more capable of making the right decision for another person than they are.
Dictating a person’s life choices may interfere with their life lessons
Every life experience has the gift of a lesson within it. By discouraging others from following their path, you may unintentionally steer them away from the lesson to be learned. Sure, you can tell them what you think you’ve learned, but who’s to say that they are here to learn the same lessons.
Accept the fact that life experience, not you, is the perfect teacher.
Encouraging a follower-mindset creates a worse predicament
When you push unsolicited advice, you encourage a person to develop a follower-mindset. A mindset of doing what others claim is best. I like to call this a double edged sword.
If, for example, you insist that your friend leave a controlling lover, you may be feeding his or her primary shortcoming. You are not helping the friend to become more in control of her life. You’re simply manipulating a gullible person into following your lead rather than that of another person.
Yes, you may have good intentions that can save your friend from what seems like an immediate threat, but the greater issue is still alive and well. Your friend has two basic choices: 1) spend a lifetime being controlled by others. 2) Endure life experiences (possibly painful ones) that lead to personal growth and understanding.
Development of intuition may be thwarted by outside interference
In our society, people are taught from childhood to follow the rules and fit in. This makes everyone around us comfortable, but it interferes with the development of intuition.
When a person is accustomed to doing what is right for others, they become completely unable to decipher their own path. This, too, makes others comfortable because they are satisfied by societal compliance. However, it almost eliminates spiritual development and recognition of the intuitive sense.
Rather than telling a person what to do, it would be helpful to encourage them to listen for inner guidance. No, they won’t initially recognize it if they’ve spent a lifetime following the lead of outsiders. But, with a little effort, they will slowly become aware that every answer to every question lives inside.
Force-feeding opinions and advice is rarely helpful. I like to lay information on the table and let people sift through it as they may.
What are your feelings about when or how to help others? Your thoughts are welcome.
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{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
I think not always fitting in, isn’t a bad thing. It maybe something we want as kids but as adult we know there has to be a line drawn.
One of my friends said something to me recently after I had a hen party one Sunday afternoon. She said ” look around at the people that you (me) surrounded yourself with ~ Remember “we” are part of the crowd of company we keep.
Which that day was miserable and complicated and unhappy.
It was like playing follow the leader one started and it just continued until I really couldn’t wait to see them leave.
I really enjoyed this post.
Thanks for responding Bunny. I’m glad you enjoyed the post and I’m sure your next hen party will be packed with a more positive crowd.
Great article Nea. Last time, I used to give my opinions and advices to my friends even when they don’t asked for it. But now, I only give out advices when asked. It’s better that way.
Sounds like you’ve grown Karlil. I was guilty of this in my past too, so it is nice to mature & see the light.
I am a big believer in freedom of choice, even if we feel someone else is making the wrong one. To bad the educational process never covers “how to make wise decisions,” but it doesn’t. One of the ways we so respect others is by honoring their right to make their own choices. I loved every point you made Nea, thanks.
Thanks Jonathan. I love the fact that you mentioned respect. We don’t have to agree with others’ decisions, but we can respect their right to make them.
I believe many times people just don’t know how to communicate that they are helping. Most people come across as critics and people become defensive with them over time.
I agree with Jonathan’s philosophy of letting people make their mistakes, you can show them the way but they should be ones to decide whether they want to walk the path your laid.
Sounds great!
Yup it’s a very forwarded thought. Interfacing is very must in every field of life.friendly nature is also helping you for a better Interfacing.I Found smile is first step to start your interfacing.It shows you done a great work behind this one. glad to read. bye.
Thanks for reading the article. Keep smiling.
I think the things said in the post is true. Anyway thanks for sharing your ideas
Thanks for sharing this great article. Makes me think that some of my friends who gives out advices are way too interfering with other peoples decisions. Good thing I know how to communicate properly and give out advices to people who needs them.
Your friends are probably like so many people. They mean well and consciously intend to be helpful, but they have no idea how counterproductive their behavior may be.
The best way to help is just to be there to listen and only to share opinions if asked, and even then be very cautious not to judge. We have to look beyond ourselves and realize that each person knows what is best for him or her, sometimes they just need to talk it out to work it out for themselves. We need to trust that a person will make the decision that needs to be made, even if it isn’t the one we think they should make.
Thank you for this article! It is helping me clarify an experience I had with a friend. I had a difficult situation to deal with and a friend offered advice that only ended up hurting me when I was already emotional. In brief, by telling me they thought I was weak and needed to be stronger, they intended to help, but I felt unaccepted as I was, and unsupported at the moment, which is what I needed more than anything at that time. It made me realize at right then that I couldn’t listen to what anyone said, I had to look inside of myself for the answer. Now I rarely speak to that person and I have distanced myself from negativity.
It’s wonderful to hear that, after an unpleasant experience, you had the courage to make a decision that feels right to you. Thanks for reading the article. Stay positive!
I agree with most of the advice given here, both in the post and in the comments. In general I am really good at minding my own business. And whenever I DO intervene it is always in the form of a suggestion and never meant as a direct critique. Often I will find something good about the other person that I want to help them develop.
It’s an interesting point, one I follow most of the time. The only time I stop following it is if it’s impacting me in some fashion. For instance, if I have to keep hearing about it, then that person has just made it my business. Or if that person happened to show up with bruises, bloody lips or black eyes; luckily that’s never happened, otherwise I might also be in jail, as I’m very protective of my friends.
And when I do get involved, I don’t directly tell someone what to do. I point out options, and then they get to choose whichever option they wish, even if the option is to keep doing what they’re doing. At that point, they do get to live their life, but if they didn’t want me getting into it, at least I’ll never have to hear it again.
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