When asked about their greatest fears, many people profess that they are terrified of growing old (or dying) alone. So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by what I’m about to share with you.
As everyone around me prepared for family gatherings to celebrate the Holiday season, I continued with my day to day activities. One person after another looked at me with pity when I answered their inquiries about my plans. There was no plan and I’d be alone during the Christmas holiday.
Upon sharing this information, people seemed to feel sorry for me. It was as if I’d been cursed with some terrible affliction. The looks I received were the same (with a bit of added extreme) as the ones I notice when people find out that I’m single. Shock. Awe. Sympathy. Sorrow.
Many of their responses left me wondering if I should refrain from telling anyone else that I’d be alone for Christmas, a holiday that I don’t even celebrate. “You poor thing,” one woman said. “I’m so sorry to hear that,” said another. And the most interesting of all, “Don’t feel bad. You’re not the only person who will be lonely during the Holidays.”
What in the hell was I missing? I said I would be alone, but I did not say anything about being lonely. Why was everyone trying to throw me a pity party? Why do people ask me questions like, “How can you stand to be single?”and “how do you handle the loneliness?” My question for them is, “How can you stand being unable to be contentedly alone with yourself?”
“Language… has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone.” Paul Tillich
Much to my bewilderment, being alone goes hand in hand with being lonely for any people. Even the dictionary has come to define loneliness in this way.
1 a : being without company b : cut off from others
2 : not frequented by human beings : desolate
3 : sad from being alone : lonesome
With such a narrow understanding of loneliness, it makes sense that people would pity me for being by myself. But there is no real reason that a person should experience loneliness or gloom as a result of being alone.
Loneliness and the Egoic Mind
A chronic need for the attention of others in order to feel content comes from the neurotic, fearful, possessive egoic mind. If you allow it, the ego will take over and flood your mind with thoughts of dependence on others.
For some people, that dependence is so strong that suicide seems like a reasonable solution when relationships are lost or a sense of companionship is lacking. But why would anyone rather stop existing than to exist alone?
The egoic mind, when in control, may produce heart wrenching images and thoughts of depressed, pitiful, lonely people, thus evoking the emotions of fear and despair. If this happens, you may find yourself associating aloneness with being unwanted, useless, or irrelevant. But are these feelings warranted? Is this reality? Well, it is if you allow it to be.
“At the innermost core of all loneliness is a deep and powerful yearning for union with one’s lost self.” Brendan Francis
Each of us has a choice. We can base our beliefs on the chronic, negative thoughts that come to us from that place of fear. Or we can wise up. We can take back control from the egoic mind, turn the negative “thinker” off, and enjoy a blissful reality even when we are by ourselves.
“In solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself.” Laurence Sterne
So, if you’re wondering how the Holiday went for me, it was great. I’m a single mother and my only child was out of town visiting spending time with cousins in her age group. I’m an only child, so I have no siblings to visit. My father is deceased and my mother was out of town with my daughter. I didn’t have a tree to decorate or presents to wrap, but I found plenty to do.
With a complete absence of distractions, I meditated regularly, thus centering myself and rejuvenating from within. I also cleaned up my living space and took myself out to see a movie that will become the basis of a new article.
I finished up some writing, experimented with (and perfected) a new recipe, and ordered some items online. I also took time to catch up with loved ones via phone and to share priceless gifts like words of appreciation. And then I relaxed, taking advantage of the quiet moments in which I could be conscious of the thoughts that create my reality.
“All men’s miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone”. Blaise Pascal
As I write this blog post, I am alone. And I love it. Other than the slight hum coming from my laptop and the high winds blowing outside my window, there are no sounds. Other than myself, there are no people physically present. But my heart is full and my world is complete. I long for nothing, for the present moment is beautiful. And because I can sit alone without yearning, I am free. Free from the bondage of unhealthy dependence and attachment.
Self Improvement for the Lonely
It is my belief that this self improvement blog post will help at least one person to realize the difference between aloneness and loneliness.
In aloneness, there is joy; but in loneliness there is sorrow. In aloneness, there is opportunity; but in loneliness there is deficiency. In aloneness, there is peace of mind; but in loneliness, there is insecurity. The choice to experience one or the other is based on your perspective of reality.
Remember, companionship is absolutely wonderful. But addiction to companionship is a disease that can be remedied only by spending time alone with the person you should adore the most.
“You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with.” — Wayne Dyer
Nea is a Transformational Life Coach whose mission is to help you love your life.
If you desire the “good life” and you want to know how Nea can help you attain it, contact her now.
Hi, I'm Nea. As a 
{ 5 comments }
Hi, nice post. I like it as its added to my knowledge.
Thanks for it.
I really relate to this — GOOD FOR YOU!! Yes, there is a great difference between being lonely and being alone and actually enjoying that alone time. People rarely understand this about me. But then so many people feel a need to crowd every single moment of their lives with other people, TV, books, shopping, eating, doing, doing, doing. where they never have stop for a single moment and just “be”. Being alone is where I recharge and can once again “hear” and feel my communion with my god. And with Nature and self and the vast expanse of existence. This is a great article. Thank you dear friend. Hugs, Robin. I am proud of you. And you really do have a smile that radiate total warmth and love. So does your soul.
Hey Neal,
That is a truly awesome post and I can totally relate to the whole – people feeling sorry for you being alone syndrome – but they don’t realise that it was part of my plan and something I wanted to do! There is so much power and opportunity in being alone and doing things alone!
Wishing you an extraordinary new year!
I haven’t experience to be alone but with your story practically what comes in my mind are the same feeling sorry for you. There are things that you need to change for 2010 not to be alone and eliminate loneliness.
Hi Camille. It’s unfortunate that you walk away from this story with a sorry feeling. The idea is that there is no loneliness when you love the person you’re alone with. Love and light to you.
Comments on this entry are closed.