Unless you’ve spent your entire life as a hermit, interacting solely with yourself, you are no stranger to verbal disagreements—better known as arguments. We’ve all had our fair share of them and most of us could use a few tips on effectively communicating when an agreement is out of the question.
Let’s start by analyzing a few common phrases that turn a minor dispute into a bitter feud.
Communication Blunders and Bad Argument Tactics – Part 1
1. “That makes no sense”
You can’t expect anything positive to come from telling a person that you think what they’re saying is stupid. A better choice of words would be, “I don’t understand” or “this does not make sense to me.”
The idea is to communicate how you are relating to the other person’s perspective without casting a negative judgment upon what they are saying.
2. “I told you so”
I vote to completely remove the phrase “I told you so” from the English vocabulary. If you believe a circumstance has happened that proves your previous point to be correct, there’s a great chance that the other person recognizes this without you throwing it in their face.
If possible, catch yourself before these words come out of your mouth and think about what you will accomplish. You won’t make the other person more likely to listen to you in the future, but you may leave them feeling negatively about their choice. And you have greater issues that need to be addressed if hurting the other person is what you desire from a quarrel.
If you are so insecure or egocentric that you have an obsessive need to be proven right, you may benefit more from self improvement information than the person you’re arguing with.
3. “It doesn’t matter”
If you’ve thrown this phrase around in the middle of an argument, you know that it is usually not true. The very fact that you’re going back and forth with someone on an issue means that it matters. Nonetheless, we often get frustrated and just want the disagreement to end.
Unfortunately, an issue that is left unaddressed will fester within. And it will resurface like a thief in the night when you least expect it.
Instead of throwing in the towel, try taking a deep breath and a few moments to yourself. Revisit the issue when both parties have calmed down.
4. “You’re not listening”
In an argument, both people are often so busy defending their position that they are not listening to each other. However, when one person says, “you’re not listening,” the other simply disagrees by saying, “yes I am.” And then both people sit there arguing about whether or not they’re listening. What a waste of time and energy!
A more effective way to let someone know that you don’t think they’re hearing what you have to say is: “I don’t feel that I’m getting my point across to you. “ Yes, both statements are similar, but the former casts blame and will only lead to more defensive behavior. Encourage the behavior that you want rather than griping about what you don’t like.
5. “Whatever…”
It is just a word, but in the middle of a disagreement, it’s toxic. It sends a strong message. That message is basically, “I don’t care what you’re saying” or “I’m not listening to you” or “Your opinions don’t matter.”
For obvious reasons, this doesn’t go over well and it hinders any possibility of a resolution.
6. “It’s your fault because…”
Blame is never the way to go for effective communication. Even if you feel that a situation is clearly the fault of another, DON’T SAY IT.
There’s a huge chance that the other person will not agree that they are at fault, thus raising the level of intensity in the disagreement. And even if they do accept fault, it doesn’t change the position that you were in when the dispute began.
In your communication with others, focus on a goal. If the goal is to fix a broken system at work, discuss solutions rather than worrying about who caused the problem. Remember… if you’re busy blaming, you’re a big part of the reason that the issue remains unresolved.
7. “You made me feel…”
This is a big one, particularly in romantic (and other non-business) relationships. We’ve all heard some variation of this one. “You made me feel unwanted,” “you made me feel stupid,” “you made me mad,” “you hurt my feelings,” “you don’t make me feel special.”
The way you feel often seems so related to the words or actions of others that you see them as the cause of your feelings. Well, this isn’t exactly a fair burden to place on another person. Furthermore, giving someone else control over your feelings is an act of being unfair to yourself.
Realize that what you feel is caused by what you think about what the person did or said—not by their words or actions alone.
If someone says that you’re an idiot, you can choose to let that make you upset or you can dismiss it as hogwash. The choice is yours, so accept responsibility rather than passing it off.
Nobody wants to be blamed for making you do, think, or feel something that they really don’t have control over. And personal accountability should be a major part of your self improvement journey.
8. “Everybody else…”
We start using this phrase in childhood to convince our parents that they should act like other parents. However, it spills over into adulthood as we use other people’s situations as supporting evidence for our arguments.
“Everybody else sees it my way,” is not a phrase that induces effective communication. The underlying message is, “I have majority opinion on my side, so you are wrong.”
This is not the way you want to come across, so stick to the facts and leave everybody else out of it.
9. “Anybody could see that…”
If you think that something positive will come out of a statement that tells a person you think they’re an idiot, try using the phrase, “Anybody could see that…”
Any hope of successful communication may fly right out of the door at the moment these words seep from your lips. So, you may want to avoid using this counter-productive phrase; as well as, the one word version of it: obviously.
In the middle of an argument, the word “obviously” has the same negative connotation as “anybody could see….” And both statements are likely to be translated as, “This is obvious, yet you don’t get it, so you must be stupid.” That’s almost as bad as a slap across the face.
Think about it this way: If what you’re saying is actually obvious, there won’t be a disagreement. So just avoid any statement which implies that your point-of-view is the obvious truth. For the only thing that is obvious is that the topic at hand isn’t obvious to at least one person—and that’s the only person (other than yourself) that matters during the disagreement.
10. “Yeah Right…”
When you’re arguing with someone who offers a truce, it’s not exactly a good idea to make a statement that shows your lack of confidence. If you don’t believe the person you’re speaking with, it may be tempting to say, “Yeah right… you won’t do what you say” or “this change won’t last.” However; if you feel strongly that you can’t trust someone to do what they’re saying, a better choice may be to eliminate your interaction with them.
A relationship, whether business or personal, is bound for turmoil if there is no trust between the two parties.
If you enjoyed 1 – 10 of the bad argument tactics list, check out What Not to Say In An Argument – Part 2.
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
That is really nice in theory, but the problem is sometimes when people get angry through the argument, they might forget the nice phrases to use and go back to the bad argument tactics. I am eager to read the next part of the article and learn more about these tactics.
You’re right… it isn’t easy to completely change the way you communicate. But knowledge is power. When you learn better, you’re empowered to do better….even it takes a little practice.
Hi my dear Nea, Since I left Stumble Upon and do not see you there anymore. I had to come visit you. So good to see your smiling vibrant face on you sidebar. Just your energy leaves me feeling happy and loved.
I really like this post. These are some strong key points to think about and more importantly USE. Very good. I know from experience that they REALLY do work. They make all the difference in the world between people just venting their anger, hate or blame…and…having a genuine two way discussion about our feeling or issues that arise. One that really changes and helps everyone grow.
I read the comment above by Toronto Spa and I think this: That if we are so “heated” in an argument or even just a discussion then that “heatedness” is an instant signal that we need to step back, slow down and realize that WE are out of control. No matter WHAT the other person is or isn’t doing, WE need to step back, breathe and get ourselves under control BEFORE we try and discuss anything. We also need to ask ourselves do we REALLY want to sort something our here or are we just wanting to “vent”, blame, shame, accuse and so forth. If it’s the later then, NO, we won’t remember or use any of the above suggestions. It takes an effort.
I also think we can’t keep score of whether we are trying harder to be calm than the other person. Sometimes people have never known kindness in an argument…and WE can empower ourselves (and possibly them) by being a great role model who has the power to set the tone for the whole discussion. I feel we ought to do this ANYWAY, just because it heals US, no matter what anyone else does.
You are a beautiful and wise soul. And it was lovely to connect with you here again. Sending you hugs, Robin
So beautifully stated, Robin. You made some excellent, excellent points. As you said, if the discussion is heated, it is evidence that you need to cool off and regain control of yourself.
Thank you so much Robin for coming here to share your wisdom. I miss you on SU, but I’m overjoyed to know that we are still connected.
Hi Nea, I love your post and totally see the value of each point, but why not take it to the next level. Why get involved in arguments at all? When conversing begins to feel like an arguing, I’m done. Life is just too short and time is so precious, who needs it.
Hi Jonathan. I wish I could say I’ll never have a disagreement, but I believe that would oftentimes mean ignoring issues that should be addressed. That feels like avoidance to me and I prefer to actually deal with situations head on.
I think it’s sometimes necessary to discuss differences of opinion and to work towards a resolution, both in business and personal relationships. I guess the key for me is to do so with as little negativity as possible.
BTW… This article uses the word ‘argument’ in the literal sense of the word, not with the negative connotation that may be attached to discussing different points of view. I’m wondering if its your view of what an argument is that prompts you to say, “I’m done.” I can’t imagine you just walking out on every disagreement. I hope you’ll come back and clarify.
Take care.
Hi Nea, I guess my view of the word argument leans more toward confrontation, as in heated argument. I am totally open to discussing different points of view in a civil and respectful manner. Even the word disagreement is absolutely fine as long as it remains a discussion and doesn’t escalate into something else. Thanks for the clarity Nea.
A very useful list Nea! I’m guilty of saying a few of those on occasion. That list seems quite feminine, it might be worth asking a fellow male blogger for their take on what they say often. One thing I’ve done in the past is snap at a woman when she’s read my blog and told me to take my own advice….right when i’m in the middle of my vent or at the peak of my frustration. LOL it’s quite funny when I think about it but at those times it’s like…thanks for throwing that in my face at that moment!
It happens though, and sometimes the after effects of the argument, the apologies, the cuddling, the laughter make it all worth while!
You made me laugh because you picked up on the fact that a lot of these comments are more likely to come from women (or sensitive, emotional men). I spoke with several men and they gave their input on the comments that they hate to hear… and they usually hear them from the ladies in their lives, hence the phrases like, “you made me feel” and “whatever.”
I spoke with some ladies this time about what they hate to hear from the guys. I also asked around about disagreements in the work place, so part 2 may feel a little more masculine.
Thanks so much for commenting.
I think using the word “like” often is a sign of being nervous or just not a good speaker. Many people today,mostly females, tend to use the word ‘like’ all the time when they speak. Im sure ppl notice this too,if so does this annoy u?
This list is useful, but I feel that #7 is misleading. A person should know how they make you feel, positive or negative. If something makes you unhappy, it is unhealthy to deny these feelings and tell yourself you aren’t hurt. It is also unhealthy to let someone repeatedly cause those feelings without bringing it up with them. I agree that you should say it without blame, but the feelings should be discussed. Example: A girlfriend walks into a conversation between her boyfriend and another man, and asks what they are talking about. Her boyfriend dismisses her, telling her she won’t understand what they are talking about, the concepts are too complex for her. She is hurt by this, this hurt is an acceptable response to those actions. She should bring up these feelings with him, saying something along the lines of ‘when I am dismissed from a conversation or it is implied that I am not intelligent enough to understand a concept, it really hurts my feelings.’ This way the boyfriend understands what she feels and why without blame, but he is still made aware of how his actions affected her.
Thanks for sharing your opinion on the, “You made me feel” argument tactic. I agree that we should never avoid addressing an issue. Owning our feelings doesn’t mean not sharing that information with a loved one. It simply means that you let them know how you’re feeling without finger-pointing, blame, and passing the buck of responsibility.
Good article Nea, just a couple of things I’d like to add. I agree with point seven to an extent – I work in sales and if someone hurts my feelings then I have failed, as I’ve let them. But outside of work I form close personal relationships by placing my trust in the other person. Without this that person would merely be an acquaintance, but by doing so I give them some power over my emotions. In the situation Danni describes I’d argue that the boyfriend must take responsibility for the effect his actions have on his girlfriend, as he’s clearly not treating her in the way that any reasonable person could expect to be treated by someone so close to them. I’d argue the only buck-passing taking place would be if the boyfriend tried to claim the girlfriend was responsible for her own feelings, and should not let his obvious lack of consideration affect her.
In a separate point, while pointing the finger and assigning blame is not often productive, in some cases the root of the problem must be found in order for it to be put right. There are any number of ways this can be done constructively, and the worst case scenario is that the problem recurs because someone makes the same mistake over and over again.
Thanks so much Jack for sharing your input. I agree that it is honorable to care for each other’s feelings. But it is oh so empowering, and so relieving to others, when we first take ownership of own feelings. We can communicate how we feel in response to the actions or words of others without shirking responsibility. “I feel ________ when you _______” sends an entirely different message than “You make me feel ____________.” To further empower ourselves, we can look a little deeper to figure out why we feel ________ when _______ happens. And if the same person repeatedly does __________, why are we tolerating it? This keeps us focused on the only thing we can ever really change–SELF.
What a great article…thanks for sharing….
These are great reminders. My hope is that they’ll stick somewhere in my mind and next time I’m “fighting mad” I’ll remember them.
Funny I read in another self help book that if what someone is saying is causing you to feel a certain way, you are suppose to tell them. Something like, “I don’t appreciate it when you [fill in blank]“. The book was about the gas-lighting affect. Isn’t what was said to do just a different way of saying “You make me feel”.
Arguing is healthy and when it gets violent it gets better!
i can agree with all but the last one. Doubt is human nature, and so is making mistakes. It is logical to doubt someone who has made mistakes, not to begrudge them and maybe not to say it to their face, but if you live without doubt you are often lead astray. Doubt doesn’t mean you can’t love someone, loving someone is being with them through every situation, learning from each other, and eventually getting past mistakes. Love is the conqueror of doubt.
Great list. Boy,I can see where I mess up on some of these. “It doesn’t matter and Your right.” I like to use these with my hubby and yes it gets me in trouble. He uses them on me too. Guess I better show him this list.
Thanks and be happy,
Debbie
Wow, I realized that I picked up so many mannerisms growing up that I haven’t been aware of, thank you!
Pretty nice blog you’ve got here. Thanks for it. I like such topics and everything that is connected to this matter. I would like to read a bit more soon.
Sincerely yours
That was a wonderful compilation! Thanks a lot.
You have one more regular visitor. Keep up the good work.
Thanks Kamal. So glad to have you here.
Pretty nice place you’ve got here. Thanks for it. I like such topics and everything that is connected to them. I would like to read a bit more on that blog soon.
Truly yours
looks more of a play ground to me
be happy
Clearly, you have never argued with someone who has ADHD. It’s like trying to convince a cat to get up and help around the house!