Arguments may be the greatest test of our communication skills. However; with desire and fortitude, we can communicate differences of opinion without the onset of anger and resentment.
The 10 argument phrases below are part two in a two part series on what not to say for effective communication. The goal is to communicate successfully, even when we don’t agree.
If you have not yet read part 1 of this Effective Communication series, don’t miss it. Just visit this link to 20 Argument Tactics to Avoid, Part One.
1. “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have done Y”
This statement is the epitome of blaming, shirking responsibility, and deflecting. As if that isn’t enough reason to avoid this phrase, it rouses and defensive response from the other party and halts the process of getting things done.
Remember, if you’re busy casting blame, you’re a part of the problem rather than a part of the solution.
2. “You should (or shouldn’t) have…“
Resolutions never come from a finger-pointing, accusatory approach; therefore, it is more effective to discuss what can be done differently now rather than what was done previously. The past has passed and there is no room for bettering ourselves there, so why dwell on it?
3. “You better…”
Communicating with people by telling them what they better do is a domineering tactic that incites bitterness and resentment. Although you may be under the illusion that this makes you powerful and effective, it is not likely to work out in your favor.
Being bossed around does not typically lead people to share their bully’s vision or understand his/her point of view. It may not even lead them to try harder or work smarter. If anything, it results in counterproductive frustration and rebellion (either outright or passive-aggressive) towards the intimidator.
4. “____________ agrees with me”
If you’ve ever called family and friends to see if they take your side on a disagreement with your partner, you know just how quickly this can backfire.
Your parent, sibling, or confidant may take your side whether you’re right or wrong. But using their opinions as ammunition against your mate is like adding fuel to a fire. If your goal is to strain relations between the person you’re arguing with and those you choose to bring into the equation, involve others in your business and watch as the problem magnifies.
5. “That’s not what/how ___________does/says (comparison)”
My grandmother always said, “There is more than one way to skin a cat.” Sounds pretty yucky, but that little proverb has strong meaning.
There are very few problems that have only one solution. And most people don’t respond positively to an unfounded implication that their way isn’t good enough.
It is okay to keep some of your opinions and previous experiences to yourself. Pick your battles wisely.
6. “I didn’t _________ when you _________”
We are all different, thus our responses to situations are different. For this reason, it is pointless to compare our behaviors as if they should match.
Let’s say you drank the last of the orange juice and returned the carton to the refrigerator. Your partner brings it to your attention and you respond with, “I didn’t gripe about it when you left the toilet seat up this morning” or “I didn’t complain about you leaving your makeup all over the counter.” This is a classic means of deflecting, and it causes far more problems than it resolves.
Your response to a situation does not dictate how others should respond to something similar. So, it has no bearing on the discussion.
Effective communication means responding to an issue by addressing it—not by digging through your memory bank for comparisons that may be used as justification. Focus on the present and leave the past in the past.
7. “I don’t have time for this”
This may be translated as, “What you’re saying is unimportant and I’d rather tend to something that actually matters to me.”
Unless you think some value will come from sending that message of dismissal, you may want to reconsider telling a person that you don’t have time to address their concern.
A better way to communicate that the time isn’t right, is to let that person know that you will be more focused and able to give him/her your undivided attention at a different time. If possible, take it a step farther by suggesting a specific date and time. The idea is to step away from the situation if you need to, but to refrain from permanently leaving an open wound.
8. “You said…”
Unless you are truly prepared with a direct quote from the person you’re speaking with, I advise against paraphrasing past conversations. There is always a good chance that you misinterpreted what was said or you just don’t fully remember. And the slightest error in summarizing may give the conversation a different meaning, thus sparking a fiery backlash from the person that you’re accusing of saying it.
9. “Last time…”
This is yet another way of dwelling on the past. Yes, we can often use the past to gather reference information. However, this is not the best approach during a disagreement.
Instead of talking about what happened the last time, focus on the life lessons you can learn from the current experience. Focus on listening to one another, even if you don’t agree. Focus on this time and let the last time remain obsolete.
10. “You Always” or “You Never”
In all likelihood, the use of these two phrases signifies an overstatement of facts. Maybe your co-worker is late for work often, but not always. Maybe your spouse brings you flowers so infrequently that it feels like never. However, in our lives, most voluntary actions don’t occur 100% of the time or 0% of the time—they fall somewhere in between.
This technicality may not sound like a big deal, but it magnifies when you’re having an argument. Why? Well…on top of the fact that you’re making an accusatory statement; you are unfairly stretching the truth.
So, instead of saying, “You never do nice things for me,” try saying, “I would really enjoy it if you surprised me with nice things more often.”
The latter statement will communicate your point of view rather than casting judgment and exaggerating the facts.
If you’ve read both part 1 and part 2 of this effective communication series, you may have noticed that several of the what-not-to-say-in-an-argument phrases begin with the word “you.”
I’m convinced that the reason for this is because we often enter disagreements with our eye on discrediting the other person, rather than simply representing ourselves. And so the downward spiral begins.
With this in mind, it may be a good idea to completely avoid beginning a sentence with the word “you” during disagreements. After all, chances are good that this word won’t be followed by, “are wonderful.” Instead, it’s more likely to be followed by finger-pointing statements that result in defensive behavior from the other party. So, try finding a way to state your position by focusing on your role in the situation.
Last but not least, don’t just count on eliminating certain words or phrases. Take it a step further. Hold yourself to a higher standard by applying these simple guidelines for developing positive communication skills:
- Don’t deflect
- Don’t lie
- Don’t talk AT the other person
- Don’t accuse
- Don’t manipulate
- Don’t belittle
- Don’t disregard
- Don’t blame
- Don’t exaggerate
- Don’t rehash the past
- Don’t involve others (unless professional help is needed)
- Don’t yell
Do you have any suggestions for communication skills? What phrases drive you crazy in a disagreement?
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Nea, this is a great post. I think I’ve used most of these argument tactics in the past, when I was a little less mature
Thanks Steven. I’m pretty sure we’re all guilty of it. But we live and we learn.
The way I see it, the primary source of any argument is the focus on “I.” If we could somehow remove the selfish “I” and replace it with “we,” then understanding will ensue.
Excellent, Walter
Well, the ‘I’ has to be involved somewhere. The reasons why these arguments come up is because people are scared of admitting how selfish they really are.
Great follow up Nea and I so relate to the ‘I don’t have time for this’ i’ve done it in the past and I’ve heard others say it too! superb list, you definitely need more recognition for this series so I’m going to stumble both!
Thanks Amit. Even now that phrase pops into my mind. I really despise confrontation, so I have to take a deep breath and think before I open my mouth.
This is an excellent post and it looks like I need to study this one. I admit that I have used some of the tactics here and plainly I shouldn’t have. I’m glad you brought these to the light for me.
Edmond,
I think we’re all guilty of having used some (or all) of these phrases at some point. However, we are all capable of learning to communicate better. I’m so glad you enjoyed this post.
I would have to add to that the non-sincere “You’re right, you’re always right. It’s all my fault.” …or maybe anything that is not sincere, for that matter.
Absolutely, Schmoob. Effective communication requires sincerity.
“I dont have time for this” works great for me. I can’t think of any argument in the last three years anyone has tried to bring up that I actually cared about. My SO is the same way.
You forgot to add: “You dumb bitch.” That really crashes communication.
‘Look who’s talking’ or the irrelevant counter-attack could be included. Helps to keep focus.
That statement is one that people use to deflect and avoid the issue. It is definitely counter-productive as it casts blames and avoids accountability.
Nice post. But i feel like manipulating others if i use all of your tacticts! I feel like i’m pretending! Most of your tacticts are usefull and people used them without even thinking about them; it comes naturaly. The problem is when you have to argue with somebody not acting like this (yes, acting is the right word).
makes em feel so stupid when i think back and see myself using so amny of these once at least !
another phrase which i hate people saying is “That’s how i am.. You knew it..”
Nice list, I love it. I have recently encountered someone who has done nearly ALL of these and it has infuriated me to no end. Especially when people agree with them and those people are CLEARLY biased. And I’ve always interpreted ‘I don’t have time for this’ EXACTLY as stated here.
I know I’m guilty of these, but I try my best to avoid these already.
I wish more people would see the error in these ways of cutting off communication especially when having them pointed out, rather than turn a blind eye and act like you’re the problem for stating you have a problem with how it’s being handled.
Thanks for your input Mike.I’m glad to hear that you’ve been working on avoiding these phrases. Nobody is perfect but we’re all capable of putting forth some effort.
Fear of admitting selfishness, the root of most, nearly all, bad argumental phrases.
Nea,
I am very glad that I have read your list, it has made me think more about how I can do my part to communicate in a heathier manner. My question is how does this work if it is not worked on by both parties. The reason I ask is I tried to show this to my husband and the respone was “Well Ok isnt on that list so Im alright”, well no Ok is the same as whatever. If both parties are not willing to work for the same result nothing will help.
Thank you again!
One thing that seems to have been left out of this: arguing requires 2 people. You might be very reasonable, and wish in all sincerity to have a logical discussion, but if the other person is not then these tactics all become moot.
You might even say “I really want to discuss this, but to do so I think we should agree to handle the discussion in the following way. The problem is that asking that they refrain from using these methods also suggests you are finding fault with their process, often leading to a different argument! And how do you make sure that the argument doesn’t head off in one of these directions without sounding critical of their approach, once again assuming an “I’m right and you’re doing that wrong” posture.
These are great suggestions to monitor our own roll in the process, but unless BOTH parties are willing to engage reasonably and abide by these standards, it becomes an even more frustrating endeavor. Now you not only have the original source of conflict, but have to either cope silently with the fact that you are taking the high road, or risk starting a secondary issue by suggesting they refrain from certain behavior.
The best chance of resolving any issue begins with two simple words: “I’m sorry.” Now, if anyone can figure out how to force someone to say them, please let me know.
Getting others to say, I’m sorry…that’s not possible. They have to want to apologize or agree to disagree. So, there’s the big conundrum Phil.
Personally, if the other person has poor communication skills and my best attempts at reasoning aren’t working, I’m prone to walk away before I resort to counterproductive tactics that make a bad situation worse.
Well, the bit about getting someone else to say I’m sorry was obviously a joke.
And the idea of walking away to avoid making a bad situation worse has merit in certain situations. But in more important arenas such as business or marriage, it’s simply not an option. There simply is no graceful exit from those two situations in particular. I don’t know if you’ve ever told a boss or a spouse “It feels like we’re not getting anywhere, I think I’m done discussing this” but I wouldn’t recommend trying it.
Again, I agree that these are all great tips on monitoring our own role in the process. But in situations where the disconnect in logic lays with the other person, they often serve little benefit except to underscore the lack of reason taking place. And if there is no way to repair someone else’s approach, and you find you’re unable to walk away and discharge the matter, that is when your true test of self discipline will take place.
@Phil, if arguments with your boss or spouse are so bad that there’s no way to handle them without being negative or without consistently having to endure negativity, then it might be time to find a new boss or spouse.