The Role of Selfishness in Self Improvement
Selfishness. The word has a bad reputation. As it slips off my tongue, I get an image of a small child withholding his favorite toy from a playmate. At first thought, you may also regard selfishness in a negative light. But is it really that bad? Is it possible that selfishness can be an asset, or even a necessity, for personal development success? I believe so.
Throughout our lives, we are often asked to make choices that don’t feel right to us. The expectations come and we are faced with a dilemma. Do I do what is best for me or live up to the expectations of someone else? In fact, I can look back over my life and easily tie my biggest mistakes to my unwillingness to choose myself over others.
My Selfless Experience
Let’s rewind 14 years. I was 19 years old. He was everything most women want—a family man, handsome, respectful, talented, and a great provider. And he desperately wanted to marry me. Wedding plans were in full swing, everyone was excited, and all I wanted to do was disappear.
The words stuck to me like hot glue, “You are so dammed selfish.” How could I refuse to marry Mr. Perfect? How could I embarrass my mother after she had bragged endlessly on the upcoming wedding? How could I let down all of the family members, both his and mine, who were anticipating our union? I was torn–between me and them.
Plagued by opposing forces that called me in different directions, I cried every night until the day I walked down the aisle as a selfless, though unhappy, bride.
Fast forward. After months of bickering, resentment, and anger, I had a wakeup call. I realized that, although I chose to unselfishly make a decision that didn’t feel right to me, absolutely nothing positive had come from that choice. My mind had been centered on not disappointing others, but whose mind was on me?
I further realized that I had been let down by the one person who knew what was best for me. The one person who was fully responsible for standing up for me, had failed to do so. And that person was me. I had chosen to be selfless—to disregard my feelings, desires, and needs on behalf of others. And any subsequent pain was nobody’s fault but my own.
As I walked out of the front door with little more than a blanket and the clothes on my back, I decided that I had foolishly sacrificed my happiness for the last time. I turned a deaf ear to naysayers and disregarded every painful criticism as I said goodbye to my short, miserable marriage. I made a big girl decision—albeit a selfish one—and it was one of the best life choices I have made thus far.
The Selfishness Virtue
I share this story, not to say that we should never do what is best for others, but to say that we should never feel bad about doing what is best for ourselves.
Although people won’t always recognize it, doing what is best for you is often one of the best things that you can do for others. When you’re unhappy, resentful, or angry because you’ve treated yourself unfairly, you are not attracting pleasant life experiences and you are of less benefit to others.
On the other hand, the entire Universe stands to benefit from your positive energy when you’re at your personal best. Do you know what that means? It means a selfish act may be unbelievably unselfish at its core.
So, the next time your best interest contradicts with what is best for someone else, don’t be so quick to disregard yourself. You are every bit as deserving of your love, protection, thoughtfulness, and loyalty as anyone else.
A Selfishness Quote from Abraham Hicks
Many say to you, “Don’t be selfish.” And what they mean is, “Satisfy my selfish intent, not your own. I’d be a lot happier if you were doing the things I need you to do in order for me to be happy”. And so, the best gift that you could give to anyone, would be to be a liver of unconditional love. In other words, you’re loving them, even though they’re not loving you because you’re not doing what they need you to do in order for them to love you.
Do you agree that there is a time for selfishness? Do you have a hard time putting yourself first?
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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
I always put my self first. I call it healthy selfishness. First I’m giving love to my self and that’s the only way I could really love everybody else. And that’s the only way I could be easily loved by others.
I like that… healthy selfishness. Thanks for your comment.
Interesting thought Nea,
I totally get where your coming from here, but I think there are a couple of distinctions we could make. First, I feel that looking out for your own best interest is not the same as being selfish. Part of the definition for selfish focuses on being egotistical or greedy, that’s different from self-preservation. Really, if you ignored this aspect of life you wouldn’t be in a position to help anyone else.
Secondly, it’s not your job to live up to other peoples expectations. Unselfishly sharing with others, even at some cost to yourself is not about their expectations, it’s about having a giving heart. Their expectations are their problem, not yours. Don’t ever let them pull that baloney on you.
Sorry you had to go through this Nea. Some of life’s most valuable lessons have a degree of pain attached to them. In the long run it helps us remember so we don’t have to go there again.
Thank you so much Jonathan. Your comments always brighten my day.
Considering the lessons that I learned about taking care of myself, I must say that the unfortunate situation I mentioned in this article was worth it. Sometimes the pain that’s attached to our life choices is exactly what we need to set us on the right path. I’m still a giving person… but I’ve learned to give to me as well.
if that’s the case then i am good selfish man too
Nea, a thoroughly enjoyable read, like Jonathan I’m sorry you had to go through what you did. I’m sure you feel much happier about yourself since you’ve made the move.
When I’m faced with challenges I think of the following quote:
” In the middle of every difficulty lies opportunity.” Albert Einstein
It helps me see the reasons for it happening.
Thank you for sharing this.
Regards
Paul
Paul that’s an awesome quote. I’m glad you enjoyed the article and I truly appreciate your feedback.
I agree with this philosophy. In order to help others, we have to be in-tune with what our needs, strengths and limitations happen to be.
Bottom line: If we are not happy with ourselves then we have little chance to make others happen.
So, so true Alex.
It is sad that “selfishness” gets such a bad rap that good people end up sacrificing their own happiness for others. I think selfishness is also healthy in work situations when people expect more and more of you, be it a “boss,” a client or colleague.
Hi Cherrye. I think a little selfishness can create a lot of positive change–in the workplace too like you said. We are far more productive when we are willing to take time out for self.
Hi Nea!
Wow! Love your blog and the article on selfishness. Its so true! I’m a mother of four and after years of selfishness of career, personal interests, I found myself thrust into a constant state of selflessness which had me losing site of ME! Just getting back into the swing of not feeling guilty to take that time out for me. Its not easy! Had a couple of related entries on my new blog…part of my ME time…www.goodoodles.com. A place to share positive thinking, new ideas and helping look for that glass half-full. Your blog’s glass is definitely brimming! Thanks and I´ll be back,
April
Great job getting over that tendency to feel bad about taking care of yourself.
True – we need to be selfish in a right way. Thinking of our selves and our own happiness is not bad even if sometimes we hurt our parents or loved ones. Just like what had happened on your marriage, it did not succeed.
nice post really! Experience is better then degree.
I am very happy after read this post.
Thank you very much.
Really very nice post, Thanks for sharing this..
I once heard a supermodel (cant remember who) say “the key to happiness is being selfish without harming anyone”
Most people find that hard to grasp, but persons, we need to look after or own happiness. You cant always give give give without expecting to get something in return. Its not healthy, and its not satisfying.
I love that quote about being selfish without harming anyone. It makes such perfect sense to me.
I think people get selfishness and self-preservation mixed up. Self-preservation is living life the way you want to live. Selfishness is asking others to live life the way you want to live. Big difference.
Wow! Thank you for sharing. I was in your shoes a couple of years ago, however I decided not to follow through and listen to my heart, and gut. After this decision, I have had to do some very deep soul searching, and start living a life that focused on spiritual and emotional growth. I am still to this day being punished by peoples remarks and whispers of how “selfish” I am. Reading your post was a breath of fresh air, because I see that my marriage would have ended in divorce in a few months, and realize that I’m in a much better place today in every way because I decided to put myself and my feelings first!
Great job choosing yourself and doing what you felt was best for you. I’m glad you enjoyed the article.