I think it’s pretty safe to say that we’ve all had some experience dealing with difficult people. You know the ones—prone to outbursts, inconsiderate of others’ feelings, rude, negative or just plain mean as hell.
We can’t always avoid encounters with difficult people, but we can determine how we deal with their difficult behavior. So, I ask that you think back to the last time someone degraded, snubbed, disregarded, ridiculed, or snapped at you without provocation. I don’t mean a situation where you were involved in an argument. I want you to think of a time when someone unfairly decided to take their problems or issues out on you. Now reflect for a while on the way you responded. And I’ll share with you my personal story of dealing with a difficult person’s difficult behavior.
A Difficult Situation
Just last week, I picked up a friend who was in the middle of a crisis. He needed emergency dental care, so I dropped what I was doing and drove to his rescue as fast as I could. Unfortunately, he was in intense pain and he was ready to take his frustration out on whoever was in sight. Lucky me!
He could barely talk when I made it to him, so I called around and quickly found an oral surgeon who could see him within 15 minutes. I felt relieved as we jumped into the car, but I had no idea what awaited me. “I’m in pain you know,” my friend said in the most condescending tone possible. “I know. We’ll be there soon. I’m driving 85 miles per hour,” I responded. “Well drive 95,” he snarled.
Scared out of my mind, I drove even faster, slowing only to maneuver around other cars that were in my path. I switched lanes as possible, but every time I slowed down for a millisecond, I heard this hateful, belligerent voice taunting me. “Are you having a problem understanding that I’m in pain? What is wrong with you? What is your f*****g problem?”
No matter how fast I went—he ridiculed me for not going faster. No matter how many cars I swerved around, I didn’t swerve enough for him. In the midst of his temper tantrum, my friend seemed to use every profane word and demeaning comment known to man. On and on he went, mercilessly spewing vindictive statements as if I were trying to do something other than help him. “I’ll remember this if you ever need my help,” he threatened. His tone was brutal and he was absolutely relentless as he stared me down in the most intimidating manner possible. It was as if I had a madman in the passenger seat. “Your fear issues are stupidly causing me grief and pain. Drive dammit.”
Surviving Difficult Behavior
Despite all of my personal development work, it was a major challenge to handle this difficult situation (and this very difficult person) in a way that I could be proud of. But I did. During the major part of this rant-and-race event, I only opened my mouth to say a few words: “I’m doing my best.”
And I did do my best. I did my best to tune out the insanely difficult person sitting in my passenger seat and to focus on the goal at hand. I managed to get my friend to his destination within 15 short minutes, though it felt more like an eternity.
Not Being Difficult With Difficult People
More than anything, this situation helped me realize just how much I have grown as a person. Why? Well, let’s just say that there was a time in my life when I would’ve cracked (or snapped) under that type of pressure.
There was a time when I would’ve met his snarling, despicable behavior with the same or worse. In fact, just a few short years ago, that explosive outburst would’ve gotten Mr. Difficult thrown out of my car in the middle of the highway with absolutely no regard for his condition. Lucky for him, I’ve learned a bit about dealing with difficult people in situations that could possibly spiral out of control.
I learned that fighting fire with fire makes a bigger fire and causes burns that may never heal. If I had aimed to make him feel as inadequate about his handling of the situation as he aimed to make me feel, what would be the benefit in it? I wouldn’t have been as focused on driving, so we would’ve been more likely to miss the appointment or maybe even have a car accident.
And what if I’d been even dirtier than he was—like adding oil to the fire? What if I’d tossed his mean ass out on the side of the road? In addition to permanently ruining our friendship and putting his health at further risk, I would’ve eventually felt guilty and ashamed of my behavior. Such malice is not in alignment with who I am or what I stand for, therefore I would’ve accumulated unnecessary emotional debt.
Maintaining Self Respect with Difficult People
So, here’s what happened instead. I maintained my calm demeanor, got help for my friend, accepted his apology, continued to help him for as long as he needed me after the procedure, and (most importantly) walked away with my self respect intact.
Now, I want to make sure I’m 100% clear about the message that I intend to send with this article. No matter how much of a good person you are or how calm you can be in difficult situations, there is no reason to subject yourself to ill-treatment. I would never suggest that anyone become a pushover or accept abuse.
Instead, the message that I hope you’ll take from this is to always remember who you are at the core—even when faced with difficult people or situations. Why stoop to someone else’s level when you can lead them upwards by your example?
When you act outside of your character, you give up self control, which indicates weakness rather than strength. It takes a strong person to stand firm, uncompromised, and true to self. But all it takes to give in to foolishness is a fool.
The Finale with Mr. Difficult
Wondering about the aftermath of this incident and the current state of my friendship with Mr. Difficult? Well, further acts of disregard led me to a final display of courage: letting go. The association isn’t completely dead, but appropriate distance has been established in an amicable way.
You see, we are all responsible for making our best life choices; and sometimes that means reevaluating friendships and saying “No More” to difficult people.
How do you handle difficult people and/or difficult situations?
Related Self Improvement Articles
When Birds of a Feather Flock Together
Nea is a Life Transformation Coach who believes happiness should never be optional.
If you’re ready to live a happier, more fulfilling life and you want to know how Nea can help you overcome what stands in your way, contact her now or click the link here to learn more about life coaching
Subscribe to the Self Improvement Saga RSS feed for inspirational updates.
Hi, I'm Nea. As a 
{ 1 trackback }
{ 23 comments }
Hi Nea. I don’t know if I could have handled it in the manner you did, I think a swift punch in the mouth would have made him forget his pain quick enough. But, as you said, you had your self respect intact and walked with your head held high. Having said that, no decent person would treat anyone like that even in that amount of pain, it would just bring out the true person he is. Good to see you have let go.
Thanks for sharing this story Nea.
Steven you gave me such a laugh…the thought of me delivering a punch. LOL. But you couldn’t be more right, my friend. There is no excuse for treating a lady (or anyone) in such a way and his behavior indicated what could be expected of him. I, for one, take heed to warning signs.
It makes sense.
Hi Nea, major life lesson to realize we are not responsible for others…..it was your friend who was responsible for himself and he used you…..and got away with it……i wonder how many red flags appeared well in advance of this situation that hinted towards his aggressive/abusive behavior…..we are so worried about others and making sure we do the right thing for them that we accept substandard treatment as a thank-you….what eventually happens is we do less and less for others, which isn’t such a bad thing….it makes those users become more responsible for their behaviors……ditch the ones that mistreat you…no matter what you tell yourself, they are never worth your love and compassion and instead, give your love to those worthy…..there is something to be said for tough-love and your friend truly needed the toughest…..an emergency on his part does not constitute one on your part….you may decide next time to call a taxi for your friend….there is always other options….but the best is to excise the mean people from your lovely, divine life…you are not here to save others, they can do that for themselves….wonder how law of attraction factored into all of this? it always brings us what we are in vibration to…..no more mistreatment for self, surround yourself with loving kind happy, personally responsible people…..and everything i’ve written i share with you but are words for myself….interesting that the wonderful advice we give to others is really what we need to hear ourselves….and what we need to hear is what we’ve really known all along….
You couldn’t have ended this comment on a better note, “what we need to hear is what we’ve really known all along.” Also, you’re very right about the red flags. They are always always there. We don’t get into situations like these without some degree of forewarning. It’s just my nature to be compassionate and understanding. And its my constant challenge to decide when I’m going overboard with sacrificing self.
When I was reading this I kept thing that this guy needed to be kicked out of the car.
Seriously, who does that?
I think your way of handling the situation was good. You kept your cool, did the right thing, and broke ties with him later. He didn’t deserve your help, but that’s besides the point.
Methinks if I got into this situation I’d tell myself over and over again that his ranting wasn’t about me. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I don’t need to listen to what he’s saying. It’d probably help with the tuning out.
Monique…that’s exactly what I do when dealing with difficult people. I remind myself that their behavior isn’t about me. I don’t take it personal or internalize it because you can’t avoid everyone who has a challenging personality. I empathize and realize that we all have our issues. But if a person’s issues constantly bring negativity into my life–I impart distance.
This was great and wow, what a way to handle it! Good for you.
What I have learned from difficult people and like you practice, is non-participation. Often people’s egos get in the way and if we don’t remember that, our egos will come out and make it one ugly scene. As you say, we can’t fight fire with fire.
So great job, and most importantly I am glad to hear that you have distanced yourself from this person. In the end there is no reason for us to subject ourselves to any kind of abuse.
Thank you Evita. I’m really proud of how I handled this situation. You’re so right about the ego. Had mine come into play, this would’ve ended horribly and I’m sure I’d regret it.
Well, I take my hat off to you for remaining calm in the first instance & secondly, for walking away when no transformation appeared on the friendship horizon.
With those close to me, I’m learning to fight fire with water – they only act with spite when in pain themselves, and the antidote comes in the form of support.
It is an art mind you, and for me, it’s definitely ‘work in progress’.
Regarding anyone else, I walk away immediately.
Great post.
Thanks Alex. I love what you said. It reminds me of a quote that I read somewhere that said, “Hurt people hurt people.” That’s why I try not to take the actions of difficult people personally. They only act out of their own pain and unresolved issues, often hurting others and making a fool of themselves.
Hello Nea,
Vow! you have the patience gal! I understand your friend was in pain but he should have seen that how hard are you trying to help him as much as you could. I know dental issues are worst and I have faced a few dental issues myself.
My mom always says “When you don’t know how to handle a worst situation, just try to be cool and don’t say a word for some time”. As that’s just a phase of the problem and once we pass that phase (the moment) we learn how to handle the situation.
I have grown myself by facing the problems and taking a deep breath so that I keep my head cool and find a solution.
Bye for now,
Cheryl
There was definitely a lot of deep breathing going on, Cheryl. It helped me to keep refocusing my attention under enormous pressure. I was still nervous, but concentrating on my breathing instead of the yelling was a life saver.
Hi Nea,
What an extraordinary situation to find yourself in! I so admire your grace under so much nasty pressure.
What I love about your post is that it shows the fruits of inner work. What I get from you is that you are someone who is willing to explore your inner life and be honest with yourself. As everyone can see, it totally benefits us, and everyone around us, when we embark on the journey of self-discovery. Even Mr. Difficult benefits when he is faced with the truth about his behavior by you letting go of the friendship.
Thanks for this beautiful sharing.
Thanks Gail. I am definitely a work in progress, but oh so thankful for where I am (emotionally/mentally/spiritually) in comparison to where I was a few years ago.
Steven Aitchison said it all and had me rolling on the floor with laughter. I too am glad you have let this person go. You are soooooooooooo precious and as Steven says no amount of pain is reason for this kind of behavior. And I know this as I have been in life and death pain before and one may want to rant or lash out but we still have a choice to not do so.
You are such a beautiful soul. Never ever forget that dear friend. You are to the BEST. And you DESERVE the VERY BEST!! Being the forgiving and grace-filled person you are, you have a lot of compassion. I am proud to call you “friend”. Hugs and much love to you, Robin
Robin you are so awesome. I truly appreciate your love and support, my dear friend. Thanks for being a constant reminder of the type of people that I want to surround myself with.
Thank you for sharing your personal experience, Nea. I’m pretty sure that a lot of your readers will learn a lot from your experience. I would also like to add that aside from letting go, a person can also deal with difficult people by avoiding taking things personally. This might be easier said than done, but every angry statement a person makes comes from a deeper desire and effort to meet his needs or support something they value. If a person is caught in the situation where he’s dealing with a difficult person, I think that it would be better if an individual starts to remind himself that the anger isn’t about him, it’s about the other person and his situation. It would make the situation better if an individual empathizes and changes his focus of attention so that he would not feel defensive at all.
This is exactly the reason I was able to remain calm. When dealing with people, I always try to realize that their actions are a reflection of their own issues. It’s not about me, so I don’t take it personal or internalize it.
Hurt people hurt people. But at some point you have to decide if it’s a good decision for you to remain in that person’s line of fire.
Thank you for sharing this story. It takes a great deal of focus and belief in ‘the rules of the universe’ to keep your calm in a situation like that.
Your article is very timely for me, as I am just about to help a friend who is a ‘hurt person’ – she is currently burning all those around her because she is in pain.
After reading your story, and because I’m not the only one that can help her, I think I’ll choose a happier path.
Thanks again. D
Wow, I wish I had the opportunity to read this before I was provoked last week to some childish girls level. Yes, it’s hard to keep our composure sometimes but it is worth it in the end, because it does reflect on your character. Good for you and way to go on that one….
I like the style you took with this topic. It’s not often that you simply discover something so to the point and enlightening.
Thanks Julianne. I’m glad you enjoyed this post.
Comments on this entry are closed.