We all understand the desire to influence people. And those who have held the title of parent, teacher, coach, leader, team member, or manager certainly know how difficult it can be.
There is no shortage of available information on influencing people to do what you want, but most of these sources contain manipulation techniques. Yes, these suggestions may work to some extent. But my goal is to guide people towards inner self development, which does not mean becoming a skillful manipulator.
The art of influencing others from a self improvement perspective includes becoming a better you, thus naturally becoming more influential with others. Here are a few tips on influencing to get you started:
1. Develop genuine care and concern
Think back to a time when you tried to influence a person. You tried to get them to see your perspective, but it didn’t even come close to working out the way you hoped. Now, ask yourself these questions: Did I genuinely care about this person and their perspective? Did my approach effectively communicate that I genuinely cared? If you’re honest with yourself, the answer to at least one of these questions is NO.
When you genuinely care about the interests of other people and you put forth the effort to show this in your interactions, you will notice that your power of influence soars. You won’t have to force, defend, push, argue and manipulate because others trust that you have their best interest at heart.
Sure, there will be times when people disagree or second-guess you no matter what. And this is a good thing. The more you care about others, the more you will welcome communication about their concerns. You will cease to defensively object to being questioned when your motivation is a genuine interest in all parties involved. And you will understand that a rebuttal from another person is simply an opportunity for you to learn about them, expand your awareness, and experience personal growth.
If you are the detached, business-as-usual type and you are not attuned to the emotional side of your being, you have your work cut out for you with step one. But don’t give up. Challenge yourself to relax and let your guard down bit by bit, so that you can relate to others in a way that draws them in rather than pushing them away.
“If your imagination leads you to understand how quickly people grant your requests when those requests appeal to their self-interest, you can have practically anything you go after.” – Napoleon Hill
2. Actively listen
Active listening is an invaluable communication skill, so make it a priority on your journey toward self improvement. As you focus on what people are saying, with the pure intention of trying to gain a deep understanding, you create a positive vibration around yourself. Your willingness to truly listen reflects a genuine interest in the points-of-view of others, creates a sense of camaraderie, attracts people to your ideas, and enables you to learn in situations where you may otherwise fail to influence.
If you find that you consistently feel that the views of others aren’t worth listening to, or that your ideas are always superior, realize that this mindset reflects a gaffe in your perspective moreso than a problem with everyone else. Furthermore, such an outlook is evidence that you’ve yet to master step one.
Everyone wants to be heard. And people are far more likely to hear you when it’s obvious that you care enough to hear them.
When you genuinely care about and respect others as equals, listening is less of a challenge. In fact, you will actually desire and find immense value in what they have to say. If you want to easily influence people, hear them and be heard.
Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention. A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words.-Rachel Naomi Remen
3. Speak with (rather than to) people
In your conversations with people, make sure that you are speaking with them rather than to them. A productive conversation includes an open-minded exchange of ideas, whether or not you agree. This means showing concern by asking questions and remaining undefensive as you are questioned. You’re talking with the other person, listening, showing concern for their ideas, and positively influencing their response.
So, what happens when you simply talk TO a person? It becomes blatantly obvious that the only thing you care about in that moment is making your point. You’re so attuned to what you think, feel, and want that you’re presenting it to someone else in a way that may be interpreted as bullying.
This behavior is highly likely to communicate that you are selfishly unconcerned about the other person, even if that is not what you intend to demonstrate. And few things are more counterproductive to the desire to influence people.
“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”—Anthony Robbins
4. Drop the control-freak tactics
When you’re in a position of authority, you can force your ideas on people. However, this creates negative energy which is not beneficial to you, others, or the Universe at large.
Dictators and tyrants set rules to control and force their ideas on others, but this is due to their ineffectiveness in truly leading and dealing with people. They often get what they want—temporarily. At the very least, they get the illusion that they are getting their way. But history clearly shows that their reign over people often comes to a destructive end.
If you’re looking to create resentment, lower morale, decrease respect, and form a huge gap between you and other people, proceed with control freak methods. However, it’s not likely that you’re reading self improvement articles if that is your angle.
To positively influence people, display concern for their self interest rather than giving orders to display that you’re in control.
“It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.” -Fred A. Allen
5. Flex (and compromise) a little
There is almost always some room for compromise or flexibility. This is even true when dealing with children. If you can’t influence little Johnny to desire his green peas, despite a persuasive, non-dictating presentation of ideas, consider that they may really taste badly to him. Is it the end of the world if he doesn’t eat the peas, or can you come up with a compromise that meets the same objective?
Chances are good that you can come up with something—green food in the shape of a super-hero, peas eaten at the playground, brussel sprouts with chocolate chip eyes, a nutrient-rich smoothie in a brightly colored sippy cup.
A willingness to compromise doesn’t make you weak. If anything it shows that you are creative and mindful. People respond extremely well to those who are flexible enough to give in a little, while still meeting important objectives. It shows that you value thoughts and opinions other than your own. And that’s not it. Your ideas are more likely to be well-received in the future thanks to your display of understanding and cooperation.
“If you want to be incrementally better: Be competitive. If you want to be exponentially better: Be cooperative.” – Unknown
As you move forward after reading the 5 tips above, I hope that, above all else, you remember step one. Caring about others is the key to so many things in life. If you will open your heart for step one, there will be little need to memorize other steps. It becomes more and more natural to actively listen, effectively communicate, compromise, and relax controlling tendencies when you are filled with a deep sense of caring for others.
May your loving intentions and positive influence touch the lives of all who need it.
Related Self Help Information
The Magic of Making Up – Get Your Partner Back
4 Great Reasons to Mind Your Own Business
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{ 38 comments }
Thank you for this article, genuinely. It is refreshing to see a “nice” and caring angle to persuasion.
This quote has given me something to think about…
“If you want to be incrementally better: Be competitive. If you want to be exponentially better: Be cooperative.” – Unknown
I’m glad you enjoyed the article and the quote. I wish I knew who to thank for the quote because it is so fitting when we really take a look at life. There are some very intelligent people who miss the call of greatness by refusing to cooperate and seek oneness with others.
Pretty good list. I’ve got one of my own to add:
6. Tell them what’s in it for them. You can’t convince a person to do something unless they will benefit from it in some way.
That’s so true. Thanks for adding to the list Nate.
Nea,
An excellent post about communicating with others; I particularly like #2, active listening. This is a subejct I’ve written and commented about a number of times. The skill of listening is very under taught in all aspects of education, training and skill development settings.
What do you think?
Regards
Paul
I definitely think listening skills should be taught from an early age. There is no real communication when listening isn’t a major part of the equation.
that’s a good approach Neaj, and would result in less fights especially that many people try to convince others by force. Good one
Thanks Farouk. That’s the idea… less fighting and more understanding/cooperation.
Actually it’s very simple. If you really care about others, they can feel that. And there are few people who can fake that, but only for a short time.
Its not always easy to put into action, depending on your personality, but it is a relatively simple concept to understand in theory.
Hi Nea, thank you so much for making the distinction between influencing people and manipulating them. It’s an important difference that some are not clear on. All of your points highlight true concern for others which is not an aspect of manipulation. Without a degree of influence we can be of little help to others. People tend to listen to those they consider to be an authority and a friend. We are in the best position to help if we strive to be both. Great article.
Thanks Jonathan. I’m so glad that you could see the sincerity in this article. I definitely didn’t want it to come off like the typical get-your-way-with-people guide.
Listening, boy is that something that needs to be improved on!
It never ceases to amaze me though how much of all of this comes down to one’s one inner happiness. If you are fulfilled yourself, “the cup runneth over” so to speak.. One has more energy to give, time to listen, and can relinquish control because one is “in control” of one’s own happiness. It’s a great list though.
Oh wow…. this is so so true. The buck always stops with self. When self is together, life experiences with others just fall into place.
Hi Nea …..Very refreshing article and how! nice to speck with, rather than… to or at…… a person. Communicative in an effective manner is certainly key and makes our lives much more easier . Thanks for writing this lovely post
I’m happy that you found great value in this post. Thank you so much for reading and commenting.
Dear Beautiful Nea, This is SO clear and spot on!! I love this post and all the points you raise here, and particularly relate to the first three. I have found that simply caring for people with genuine care, love and concern not only influences people sooooooo much more, but it influences ME. It just FEELS good!! It’s a win win situation.
And listening is so important in all interactions because we often can move into an interaction just wanting to say our “shpeel” with little regard for the other person, what they might have to say, or what we might learn from them. We often aren’t aware that listening could mean FAR more to them than to hear us rattle off our “stuff”. My sweetheart and I have not only both become excellent listeners but we both have learned the distinction between talking “with” someone and talking “at” someone.
I’m really impressed with this whole post. It’s not only elegantly written but I think completely key to not only influencing others but ourselves as well. WE change for the better and FEEL better about ourselves, others and Life in general. Beautiful job. This post shows much of your lovely heart. Hugs, Robin
Thanks Robin. Its so great to hear that you apply these types of awesome communication principles in your love relationship. I think there will be a lot more happy courtships and marriages as people begin to open their minds and truly hear one another. Love to you, my friend.
What a wonderful and healthy approach to getting our way, I loved it and will reread the post to learn more… My first visit, and I’ll be back.
Dorothy from grammology
grammology.com
Great to see you hear Dorothy. Thanks for stopping by and I’m glad you enjoyed the article.
I enjoyed this article.
Communication skills with other people are extremely important today, because it is necessary to clearly define your own thoughts, if you want to increase the quality of your life.
A way of communication about what you speak here, is the best way to transfer our ideas, because it does not threaten neither us nor the person we are talking to.
Not the fastest horse can catch a word spoken in anger. – Chinese Proverb
I love that proverb. Thanks for sharing.
Genuine. That is so rare and getting rare by the moment.
It seems everyone has an agenda and do everything to achieve those ends. No one seems to really put them in the other person’s shoes and think of the other side of the story.
So glad you felt the sincerity in the purpose of this post. We can all be influential to one another with more cooperation and less hidden agendas.
Those are all great points, except that I hate people, so I don’t want to talk to any of them. Do have tips for people like me?
If you hate people, you likely hate yourself. I have no tip except to let you know that I hold you in my thoughts with love.
everyone would be wise to practice these points….keep up the good work
Hi Nea, great article, you are correct! I for one can be very manipulative but in a positive way guiding others onto the right path rather than trying to gain something from it… once again, wonderfully written!
I like point 2. Actively Listen.
Effective communication is not about how articulate we are, it’s about whether or not we’re speaking the right language. Just because you and I speak English doesn’t necessarily mean we speak the same language or we’re communicating effectively.
Like any other skill we need to work at communication. It’s amazing that many of us will enrol in a course to learn how to build a website, start a small business or massage a body… but we won’t consciously and methodically work at becoming more effective communicators.
Your response is really on point. It is indeed amazing that we overlook something as important as communication, all the while studying everything else.
I’m bad about talking AT people.
Very nice piece of writing! I truly enjoyed reading it, especially number 5
Keep up the good Work
To express concern to someone dear to you and have influence in them is easy, but if the person you are trying to give advice to that you have no influence on, they might be more offensive and retaliate to matter worst
I totally agree with you about having to genuinly care about someone to be able to influence them positively. If you don’t authentically care, they’ll sense it.
When 93% of communication is through means other than words, it is obvious that people are going to notice if you’re not bothered.
The lesson here is to learn to be authentic to yourself. If you don’t care, don’t help. What’s the point, if your effort would only be at 50%?
It’d probably cause more harm than good. Embrace the fact that you need to develop empathy, then come back and help when you’ve gained this.
Much Love
Sam, World of Self Improvement
A lesson in authenticity…. right on!
Hi Nea,
This is a touching post. We should remember there’s a force within each one of us connecting us. When we aren’t treating others fairly we can’t fool the universe, even if things appear to be a different way on the outside. When you’ve connected with another soul, you’ll Know It.
I enjoyed your perspective. Have a wonderful day
I love the speak to (rather than at) and the don’t be a control freak points. They are so important and seem to be the most often over-looked, as well.
Hi Neaj … Fab post When it comes to communication, the best skill I’ve learnt is to listen and to connect with the spirit of what is being said … as you said it comes form inside.
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