When was the last time you attempted to make a change in your life? Along those same lines, when was the last time you demanded a change from your spouse, friend, lover or child? And how long did it take for you to realize what we all come to learn at some point in our lives—change is easier said than done?
Well, I’m not here to tell you that change doesn’t have to be hard. I have no intention of denying the great effort that goes into creating change in our lives. Instead, I want to discuss how we can diminish failed attempts at change by approaching it in a way that creates lasting results.
Changing Your Life vs. Faking It
It took years for me to realize the difference between temporary, superficial change and true transformation. The former is about changing what we notice on the surface. This type of change can be accomplished fairly quickly, but it is almost always short-lived and a precursor to future disappointments. Why? Because surface change is not real change at all. It’s a mask—like putting a slip cover over a ragged, smelly, bug infested, worn out sofa (Eww!). It conceals most evidence of the problem, but it definitely doesn’t make a change to what lies beneath. So, why just slap a disguise on unwanted behavior or circumstances when you can actually transform your life? I’ll leave this unanswered.
In order to create real change, we have to discover and deal with the real problem. Let’s say a young woman’s tactless, rude and disrespectful behavior has put her job in jeopardy. She needs to change her conduct right away or risk unemployment.
As a quick fix, she can resist her uncouth tendencies and keep her discourteous comments to herself. However, unless she examines and deals with the reasons behind her disregard for others, it’s only a matter of time before a slip of the tongue reveals what was never actually changed. And then off to the unemployment line she goes.
This same failure to recognize, address and change the real problem is also behind unsuccessful dieting attempts. Many obese people eat to feed their emotions (e.g. boredom, grief, fear, loneliness); yet they try to fix their body weight issues with one fad diet after another. When you consider that yo-yo dieting does nothing more than create surface change, should there be any shock and awe when the diets fail? Of course not! The diet may lead to weight loss, which gives the illusion of change. But the problem has been ignored and disguised. So, evidence of its continued existence will show up sooner or later.
Real Change Calls for a New Recipe
Consider this. If you have chocolate chip cookies but you want to serve peanut butter cookies, would you try to remove the chocolate chips and slather peanut butter on what’s left of the cookie? Or would you go back to the kitchen and use the proper recipe for creating the cookies that you want? Either way, the quality of your efforts will be reflected in the product that you serve up to the world. This is equally true for creating life changes and changing a food product.
Unfortunately, many of us are guilty of the short-cut approach to change. We want a quick fix and we demand the same from others. We want to skip right over the new recipe. We want to change the final product without changing the ingredients. But the truth is that real change requires real self analysis, time, and effort.
The Precursor to Real Change – Self Discovery
If you want to improve something about yourself or your life, you’ll need to consider the ingredients that have created what you have right now.
Our actions, words, and the ways we view others are not merely reflections of our environment, social standing, or upbringing. More than anything, the way we experience life is a reflection of who we are. Therefore, self discovery is the most important element for those who want to make positive life changes.
Before we can change the way we speak, perceive, act and react, we must first understand who we are. We must understand our deepest beliefs and what drives us. We must understand our cares and our fears. So, don’t be afraid to ask yourself the tough questions. Why am I rude? Why am I hypersensitive? Why am I overweight? Why do I lie? Why do I take excessive risks? Why do I try so hard to prove myself? What am I afraid of? What are my triggers? What are my deepest beliefs about myself and others? What is there within me that leads to the behaviors I want to change?
It is only when we truly know who we are that we can create the change that is necessary to evolve into the person we desire to become. So, who is the better you?
Nea is a Transformational Life Coach whose mission is to help you love your life.
If you desire the “good life” and you want to know how Nea can help you attain it, contact her now.
Hi, I'm Nea. As a 
{ 18 comments }
Most people are ignorant of the truth you have stated here. Instead of self examination and embracing the call for inner change we prefer to rot with our superficial “solutions.” Change always starts from within, without this realization any effort will only be futile.
So true Walter.
Yes Nea, it is only when we truly know who we are that we can create the needed change to live happier lives. By regular self examination and reading and learning all we can on self-improvement we will find so many good ideas that we may not have considered, many written by great thinkers of the past and best-selling authors of today.
“There is nothing noble in being superior to some other person. True nobility is being superior to your former self.” – Hindu Proverb
Wow Ken. What an awesome proverb. Thanks for sharing.
This is a great post Nea. I enjoyed your analogies too
Until you go within you’ll never change the without. Our mental programming is deeply rooted in our subconscious minds. These habits are not usually broken in a few minutes.
Powerful people spend a great deal of time in serious introspection. The Q and A sessions can be painful because for the first time someone may be taking complete and full responsbility for their lives, which can be a sobering expereince. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s necessary if you want to change your programming. Until you take the time sit with yourself and analyze why you do what you do don’t expect much change in your life.
Thanks so much for sharing your insight Ryan. Totally on point!
Hi Nea,
There is so much wisdom here; I couldn’t have said it any better. We bear the fruits of our efforts. If we are willing to dig deep and shine the light on all the musty, icky corners, then true transformation is possible.
I love that you encourage asking the hard questions and being deeply honest with ourselves.
Thanks so much Gail. This journey of personal evolution has hills and valleys–and I try to embrace them all.
Hi Nea, I just enjoyed your post, It looks like a Master, experienced person wrote this post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts for change
Glad you found it enjoyable.
Hey Nea
Like you said, true personal transformation is much easier said than done.
But the rewards you get from such a change run at the same level as the difficulty of the challenge you face.
You get much more out of change that takes lots of effort to bring about, than you do from ‘faking it’. Big effort and determination don’t go unrewarded.
Thanks for the read!
Sam
I’m all for the big effort and big payoff, Sam.
that’s a very well written and inspiring post
way to go Neaj
Thanks Farouk
Hi Nea, for me, this phrase put the essence of real change right where it should be: “The Precursor to Real Change – Self Discovery.” We cannot expect “real change” if we are dancing around the self-discovery issue and I really appreciate how you brought that out. Excellent article.
Dear Nea, this is so lovely. It distinguishes surface or mechanical change from change that comes about through better understanding of ourselves. Or the difference between change that is motivated by some external “want” — like keeping a job, OR change that comes about because we start to understand ourselves and genuinely want to feel and do better no matter the job, the people around us. We want to change for US whether or not there is any outcome or reward, or ANYONE around us.
I’m not saying that mechanical change can’t be useful sometimes until we better understand ourselves, but for me it would never be enough.
It is good to “see” you again. Always such lovely and clean energy. I’m proud of you!! And am sending you a big hug dear friend. Robin
Very True. Examining the ingredients that have made us today is a great way to gain self-understanding.
My formula for change is very simple. Pick what I would like to change, remove it, and replace it with something else. I like to fast about three times a year and even then I am replacing food with other activities like prayer, writing, and other beneficial activities.
Excellent post!
I agree with what you said.
“The tough questions” can be really difficult to ask ourselves though, since it’s our nature to think that “we’re right”.
Nice post & thanks for sharing.
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