Truth and Honesty V.S. Lies and Denial
Why do we sometimes love those that lie to us and hate those that tell us the truth? My initial answer to this question was one of denial. “That’s stupid,” I said. “Nobody does that.”
Fortunately, I couldn’t walk away from such a thought provoking matter without fully considering the possibility that there may be some truth to it. Slowly, I began to see that we all, at some point, deny the truth in favor of a lie that feels better.
When her best friend spoke the words, “Your husband has been coming on to me,” Janet’s jaw nearly hit the floor. She blamed her friend for tempting him and maybe even making the whole thing up. For Janet, her husband’s denial sounded far better than the truth of his betrayal.
His story was in alignment with what she wanted to believe. So, despite her gut instinct and the words of her trusted friend, she defended the lie and the liar. As for the truth—Janet chose denial over authenticity and ended up losing a friendship.
Now what about our politicians? We ridicule them for lying, but could they get elected by telling the truth? I doubt it. Let’s say a campaign statement consisted of, “Everything is so screwed up that it will be impossible to make noticeable changes during my term, but this is a great career move for me. Please elect me and I’ll do whatever I can just like any of the other candidates will do.” Are you anxious to vote for this person? I think not!
Whether or not we admit it, we want to hear optimistic, grandiose, outrageously positive claims about what a politician will do for us, even if they are truly powerless to make it happen. Their lies give us hope and motivate us to cast the vote. So, they tell us what we want to hear. They help us deny the truth and we elect the person who is most convincing…not the person who is most truthful.
When asked, “Do I look fat in these pants,” do you answer truthfully if the truth isn’t nice? Or do you take a second to pause, considering if you’d rather be hated for your honesty or appreciated for a well-intentioned lie? Tough choice! Does the person asking the question really want the truth?
Think about this… if we have a few too many carbs and our pants feel 10 times tighter than they did last week, we’re aware of it. So, why get a second opinion? You know why… in hopes that somebody will feel too bad to tell the truth. Oh how we love having others to encourage our denial.
And what about shopping and advertising. People flock to stores to buy name brand food, drugs, clothing, and other items that are no better than the generic or off brand. But they’re often responding to commercials that say this product is the best, the healthiest, the tastiest, or the most effective.
Our responses to misleading claims of superiority equal profit for those doing the misleading. So, can we truly be mad at them for exaggerating the truth? Are they wrong for overstating the facts? After all, they wouldn’t lie if it didn’t generate a positive, worthwhile response from us. And we all know that those positive responses keep coming, long after we know that the claims are not entirely true.
If a company advertised, “This product is the same as that cheaper one, but we want you to buy our more expensive version because of the name,” would you buy it? Absolutely not!
Most of us are blissfully unaware of how much we resist the truth. We say that we want honesty, yet our reactions to the truth often leave people wishing they’d told a lie. And our reactions to lies often lead people to continue denying the truth.
Now, back to the original question: “Why do we sometimes love those that lie to us and hate those that tell us the truth?” I believe the underlying reason for denial is fear. When we don’t know the degree of our own inner strength, we may think we need the peace of mind that comes from the person who tells us what we want to hear (even if it’s not true). In many cases, we simply don’t trust in our ability to handle the truth.
Rather than accept the truth and work toward creating a more desirable reality, many people choose denial. But denial is just a band-aid. Instead of addressing undesirable truths, it covers them up like festering wounds as they grow into bigger, undeniable issues.
So, what do we really want? Do we primarily want to hear the truth or do we want to hear what makes us feel good? Is the claim that we value, desire and encourage honesty just another lie? Is it just more denial? Do we have respect for the integrity of those who tell us the unblemished truth? Or do we honor lies and liars that make it easier to live in denial of the truth?
I’d love to know your thoughts on this.
Nea is a Life Transformation Coach who believes happiness should never be optional.
If you’re ready to live a happier, more fulfilling life and you want to know how Nea can help you overcome what stands in your way, contact her now or click the link here to learn more about life coaching
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Hi, I'm Nea. As a 
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One of the major error of the human ways is that we tend to cling to what will satisfy our expectations rather than opening our senses to the fact before us. We are too afraid to see the truth, and so we seek shelter by means of denying. It does take courage to step out of our complacency and embrace the painful truth.
Hi Nea,
You are so spunky! I love that about you!
Denial runs very deep, as you so expertly point out. As you probably know, I am completely committed to knowing the truth within myself and my life. I notice this exploration is endless. I come across more and more subtle ways that I have cut myself off from seeing the truth. For me, these moments of noticing are like a breath of fresh air, because continuing the lies feels suffocating and divisive.
Being honest boils down to our willingness to face the stark reality of truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. And this is what I choose every single time.
Thanks for opening this provocative topic.
Oh Gail you are so awesome. A compliment coming from you brings tons of joy.
“People will believe a lie because they want it to be true; or they’re afraid it’s true.” this one is taken from fantasy Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind.
I know most men get frustrated with women who asks the question, “Does this make me look fat?” I don’t know if I would be happy with my bf or not, but everytime I ask him that, he honestly says yes without hesitation. It doesn’t hurt him to say that I’m not really fat. (I don’t think I’m fat maybe a little on the chubby side). The truth about the truth is it hurts. Cuts like a knife–no, a sword. And we rather deny it because the lie is much much more beautiful than the ugly truth.
Then there’s fear. Like in the example you said, she believed her husband instead of her friend because she’s afraid to lose him if that were true.
I’ve been doing some research for an article I will be writing about resiliency. One of the characteristics of people who have successfully risen above adversity is the ability to tell themselves the truth about what is going on with themselves. They don’t deny it, and they don’t dwell on it: they accept it, and then they move forward, seeking support and constructively dealing with the truth presented to them.
I’d love to see that article. I’m sure it will be awesome Steve.
Often, facing the truth upsets the balance in our lives. We have to be ready to face the truth and do what’s next – not what’s right, but what we can handle to do next. It’s not easy. How we deal with life’s upsets and surprises is a testament to our character. When someone pulls the curtains back to reveal a blind spot, somehow, we recognize that we’ve been avoiding knowing that something was wrong. When that’s happened to me, I just want to be left alone to sleep – and ignore – for just a little longer until I’m strong enough to make my move.
Thanks for such an insightful comment Cheryl.
I think people want the truth but to be told the tactful and less brutal way. It’s hard to come up with the “nice” truth on the spot though , especially if someone is expecting a certain kind of answer.
Hi Vanessa. You have a good point. A lot of times we lie due to social pressure. People don’t realize it, but they often send hidden messages that say, “It’s not okay to tell the truth about this.” To stop lying completely, we’d have to first get over that desire to always do/say what everyone else may consider to be “the right thing.”
In some ways, much of our modern lifestyle is lived in denial. For example, take the carbon footprint of most of America. Our lifestyle is not environmentally sustainable, yet most of us push this fact to the back of our mind because the truth is too overwhelming for us to take. And you make an excellent point about politicians–the truth would be too overwhelming for us to hear so we pick the “feel-good” candidate. Being overwhelmed is a form of fear and we do this to cope. It’s hard to blame anyone for doing this, with the state that our world is in. But I agree we would all be more effective if we could look at the raw truth. Good article.
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