Giving advice to others—it’s a double edge sword. There are times when advice is received with gratitude and times when it triggers a cold shoulder at best.
When you discover amazing self improvement ideas and you’re noticing positive changes in your life, it’s natural to want to share what you’ve learned. However, there is a time, a place, a right way and a wrong way for everything—including giving advice.
We’ve all been on both sides of the advice equation at some point. Think back for a moment. Have you ever had a friend, parent, colleague, or other associate who insisted on giving unwanted, unsolicited advice? You know the type—the know-it-all who has all the answers to what’s right for everyone else. Do you know this person? Are you this person?
In most cases, people who give advice to others have the best possible intentions. Typically they aim to help, thus they’re disappointed if ignored or rejected after giving what they thought was amazing, life altering advice.
Obviously, there is a fine line between interfering and helping when sharing what we discover through our self improvement efforts. So, where is that fine line and how do we avoid crossing it? When is it better to mind your own business instead of giving advice? And how do we give people advice that helps them without pissing them off?
As a person who loves helping others and sharing valuable life lessons, I’ll share with you my approach to giving people advice.
1) Bite Your Tongue
There’s no need to literally bite yourself, but it’s helpful to know when to close your mouth and just listen. Sometimes all a person needs is a listening ear. They don’t want your advice. They aren’t ready to hear what others think they should do. They simply just want to vent.
In situations like this, you need to know the difference between your desire to help and your desire to advise. You help a person most by paying attention to their needs and delivering accordingly, not by nurturing your own desire to do what you think you’re good at. Listening quietly and showing empathy is the most helpful thing you can do when that’s what a loved one is crying out for.
2) Ask if they want to hear your advice
If you have not been asked to give advice that doesn’t necessarily mean it isn’t wanted. When it seems like an appropriate time to offer words of encouragement and advice, make an offer to your loved one. Tell them that you have some suggestions that may help and ask if they’re interested in hearing them. Make sure they know that you won’t be offended if they would rather wait until another time.
This approach shows that you genuinely care about the other person’s feelings; whereas giving unsolicited advice often comes off as self-centered, egotistical meddling. Nothing positive comes out of pushing your opinions onto another person, so give them the opportunity to opt in for your guidance.
3) Know when to stop giving advice
If the door is opened for you to give advice, remember that your purpose is to help. Use your people skills to compassionately present helpful self improvement information in a way that does not offend.
As you’re giving advice, don’t get so caught up in hearing yourself talk that you fail to notice the body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice of the person you’re advising. If the person you’re talking to is getting offended or starting to shut down, you may need to pause and reevaluate. Give them an opportunity to tell you what they’re feeling about the advice you’re giving. One more thing…don’t be too prideful to offer a hug and change the subject if you’re doing more harm than good.
4) Ask thought triggering questions
Asking questions is a great way to help without directly giving advice to people. This communication technique allows you to engage in conversation with the person who is venting without coming off as a know-it-all who wants to tell them what to do.
Try questions like the following:
“So, how many times has this happened?”
“Do you think the same thing will happen again?”
“Have you ever tried______________?”
“What’s the worst that may happen if you _______________?”
“How does it feel when this happens?”
“What do you plan to do different next time?”
By asking the right questions, you encourage others to think critically and to solve their own problems. This is extremely empowering for someone who has been feeling hopeless. Thanks to you, they may end up feeling more capable than ever.
5) Share examples instead of giving advice
“I don’t know how it would work for you, but what helped me in ______________ situation was __________.” Such a statement is received much better than a blatant, “What you should do is…”
No matter how many similar situations you’ve faced, you can never be sure that you know what is right for someone else. Your life experiences make you better at living your life—but they don’t necessarily make you better at deciding what is best for someone else.
You were never this other person, with all of the thoughts, characteristics, feelings and life experiences that determine how they experience circumstances. Nonetheless, your input is likely to be appreciated when you share similar experiences while remaining humbly aware of the fact that what worked for you is not the Universal answer for all.
None of us is an expert on anyone’s life other than our own. We know what works for us. Our self improvement journey has been perfect for preparing us to live our own life to the fullest. But it is an arrogant misconception to assume that our life experiences have prepared us to know what is right for everyone else.
Giving advice to others is only helpful when it comes from a place of caring, sharing and humility. With wisdom we humble ourselves, slowly giving up the illusion that what we know to be true for us is equally true for everyone.
If I give advice on this self improvement blog that resonates with you, I am pleased beyond measure. However, I equally love and respect the differences of those who find greater alignment with another path.
How do you give advice to people without crossing the line? How do you handle receiving unwanted advice? Do you find it easy to respect that good advice for one person may not be good advice for someone else?
Nea is a Transformational Life Coach whose mission is to help you love your life.
If you desire the “good life” and you want to know how Nea can help you attain it, contact her now.
Hi, I'm Nea. As a 
{ 6 comments }
Hey Nea,
One piece of advice I give constantly in relation to giving advice is to state it an the personal perspective. And you do this by saying “I think red looks good on you” instead if “Red looks good on you”. This emphasizes that it’s only a personal opinion and it leaves more place for debate and free choice.
All great tips. I only offer advice to those who seek it. I’ve learned that offering advice to someone who isn’t ready to receive it is worthless; it wastes my time and theirs.
The only person who I offer advice to freely is my girlfriend because we are so similar and even then I have to pull in the reigns. I’ve experienced many of the things she’s going through and want to help her but the idea to keep in mind is that experience itself was my best teacher and the same is true of her situation.
Someone must desire change enough to come to you for advice. If they’re that serious it’s worth my time and their time to offer a few key pointers and they can take it from their.
One piece of advice I give constantly in relation to giving advice is to state it an the personal perspective. And you do this by saying “I think red looks good on you” instead if “Red looks good on you”. This emphasizes that it’s only a personal opinion and it leaves more place for debate and free choice.
+1
I enjoyed reading this post, its good advice and opens up a debate over a touchy subject. When is it good or not good to give advice. Thanks for sharing
Well, sometimes you could not make it up if you tried. I gave advice on a forum a few days ago, to someone on another continent. Not only did they respond with deep gratefulness, but that person had been asking her mother, recently deceased… for help. Get this… her mom’s name is also Gisele!
Now that’s amazing Gisele. That’s just more confirmation that we are all connected to something other than what we see, touch, and hear. I love it!
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