In a country where lovers are more familiar with breakups than they are with romance, and divorce is more common than marriage, successful relationships seem as realistic as a castle in the sky.
Is that because we don’t want to make relationships last? Is it because we just don’t care? Maybe it is because we don’t know how to nurture these relationships and make them last a lifetime.
In the book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman describes the importance of learning and speaking your partner’s “love language.” According to this concept, to develop (or maintain) a healthy relationship you must learn to love your significant other in a way that he or she can interpret.
Consider this: If you speak Dutch to someone who only understands English, communication is not taking place. No matter what you say or how beautifully you say it, that person won’t receive the message as you meant it. By the same token, we all seem to express and comprehend love according to different “love languages.”
Communicating Love in 5 Languages
What comes to us all naturally is to communicate with others in the way that we know how. However, relationships challenge us to think and behave outside of what comes to us instinctively.
Here’s an example: Sharon feels most loved when her husband showers her with reassuring, flattering statements, such as, “I am so happy to have you as my wife” and “You are still the most beautiful woman in the world to me.”
Her husband Rob, on the other hand, feels most loved when his wife showers him with physical contact. By simply brushing against him when she walks by or straddling him when he gets home, Sharon can reassure Rob of her enduring love for him. But there’s a problem.
Because Rob recognizes touch as a means of communicating love to him, he uses this technique to communicate his love to Sharon. He attempts to kiss, rub, fondle, and brush against her at every chance he gets. He feels completely defeated, confused, and undesired when his attempts to show love are met with rejection.
Because verbal confirmation makes her feel loved, Sharon communicates her love to Rob by thanking him for everything he does and reminding him of how handsome he looks to her. She silently wishes he would return the favor by being more vocal about how he feels. Furthermore, she even assumes he doesn’t appreciate her because he doesn’t say so.
Sharon and Rob speak different love languages. They both try to communicate with the other using the language that comes naturally to them—their own primary love language. Unfortunately, communication is the one thing that is NOT taking place.
These situations happen all the time and they often result in unhappy marriages or bitter divorces. Fortunately, you can save your relationship rather than winding up amongst the negative statistics.
Maintaining Healthy Relationships
By simply realizing that we may speak a different love language than our significant other, we can get the wheels of relationship success turning. Many couples break-up because one or both partners become fed up with putting forth so much effort to show love—only to feel that they’re not appreciated by the other person. It may not even cross their minds that a basic communication issue, rather than a true lack of appreciation, may be at the core of their relationship problems. In order to communicate love effectively to your partner, discover which one of the following is his or her primary love language:
Words of Appreciation
This love language includes statements that express love, adoration, appreciation and devotion. A simple, “Thank you for being there for me” or “Dinner was so wonderful sweetheart,” may be just what you’re longing for if this is your primary love language. This may feel a little awkward at first for those who aren’t comfortable expressing their feelings aloud.
Quality Time
Picnics in the park, romantic dinners, quiet conversation, playing a game, or cuddling in bed are the makings of a successful relationship for someone who speaks the Quality Time love language. This love language is not about proximity, it is about having the undivided focus and attention of the person you love. If one partner is extremely busy, sacrifice will be necessary in order to save the relationship from unhappiness or demise.
Gifts
Some partners feel loved when they’re given something tangible as an expression of their partner’s love. Major problems can arise if someone who speaks this love language is in a relationship with someone who despises spending money “unnecessarily.” In such a case, it is important to remember that successful relationships require compromise. If flowers, candy, and perfume are what it takes to communicate love to your mate, it may be worth relaxing your frugal ways.
Acts of Service
If gifts, words, and time aren’t doing the trick, maybe you or your mate prefer acts of service. Those who speak this language may respond best when you help with the dishes, run their bath water, cook a healthy meal or keep track of their appointments.
Physical Touch
If foot massages, sexual contact, hand holding, or back rubs are the biggest love communicators for you or your partner, your love language is Physical Touch. When a person isn’t accustomed to frequent touch, it may feel odd to communicate love to a more touchy-feely partner. However, the experience may become more pleasant with time.
Using What You Know About Love
Now that you know the basics of the 5 love languages, it’s time to discover which one is the primary love language of your mate. Don’t make an assumption here. Talk to your partner and ask plenty of questions. Let him or her guide you to that primary love language. But don’t stop there. Ask yourself if you are willing to communicate love on your partner’s terms.
Even more important than learning your partner’s love language is understanding your own primary love language. This helps you to know what comes naturally to you, how you communicate love to others, where you fall short, and what it takes for you to have a healthy relationship.
It is only through discovering yourself that you truly become ready to help your partner love you the right way.
It’s comment time. So, what is your primary love language? Does your spouse speak the same language? Do you see value in the concept of “love languages” for healthy relationships?
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A few weeks ago one of my friends had brought up the concept of love languages and a little lightbulb flashed in my head. Since then I’d been wondering what the official languages were.
All I can say is that it feels very weird communicating to my significant other in his primary language (acts of service) since it’s decidedly not mine. It kinda feels fake? Or something? I’m sure eventually I’ll get used to it.
I can understand that it feels strange communicating in a different way. It’s like any other change that we try to make. If it’s not what you’re accustomed to, there’s a type of discomfort that comes along with it.
What makes it easier and more natural for me is to remember the reason. I try to focus on the goal and the benefits. Ask yourself if your relationship is worth the extra effort.
I think some people think that if it all doesn’t flow smoothly, immediately, then there’s a problem. As you’ve highlighted, relationships take time and effort. We have to learn to speak the same language – and listen. No diamond was ever polished without a little friction, and nothing of value comes without dedication. The rewards are more than worth it though!
I totally agree Alex. The hard work pays off and it’s well worth it.
Thanks for the review. I have that book on my to read list but I haven’t gotten to it yet.
My language is probably the Language of Service. When someone takes the time to help me with everyday tasks or a larger projects it speaks volumes to me about how much someone cares. So I assume that is the language I probably communicate in most.
Yes Leisa…you should definitely read this book. The book will give you a lot more detail than I could provide here, so you’ll be certain of your own love language. I’m not very vocal about my feelings, so the hardest language for me to communicate in is Words of Appreciation. Constantly giving verbal reassurance is hard for me because it’s one thing that I rarely need. Nonetheless, I’m adaptable.
Hi Nea,
I’ve been married since I was 17 and pregnant to the same man. That will be 39 years this January. OMG! People think we’re lucky. News Flash! It’s a combination of forgiveness, compassion, understanding, … and lot’s of hard work;) But very worthwhile!
Oh Tess that is so wonderfully inspirational. I love to hear stories of relationships that stand the test of time. Thanks so much for sharing.
Loving someone means being sensible to her needs. Actually, we just need to be observant of the people we love in order to know their longings. Part of any healthy relationship is to let go of ourselves and embrace the other.
Hi Walter. Being sensitive to the needs of others is sometimes more difficult than it seems, but I agree wholeheartedly that it is essential to a healthy relationship. Instead of letting go of ourselves to embrace another, I’d say we should practice embracing another with the same understanding and compassion that we muster for ourselves.
Great Post once again. I found it very benificial
Thanks for sharing
Hey, Thanks for the post!
My wife and I read this book when we first got together, and it’s one of the main reasons we made it through some of our more trying times early in the relationship.
We have very different love languages and keeping that in mind has kept us close together when life is crazy.
Thanks for the post and the recommendation. Anybody who hasn’t read it, should.
Keep up the good work.
Ryan “The Fat Loss Informant”
Hi Ryan. The 5 Love Languages really is one of the best relationship books on the market. I’m so happy to hear that its helped to make your marriage happier. Very inspiring!
I just heard about the “5 Love Languages” for the first time yesterday. I’m glad to see plenty of others know about it too. This was a very good summary, now I won’t have to get out of my way to read the book.
Thank you Nea. I hope to be reading more from you soon,
Steven
Oh no Steven…you don’t get off that easy. Read the book. There is so much great info in that book and I know that you won’t regret taking the extra time to read it. If that’s not enough motivation, let me just add that you’ll be able to take your relationships to a whole new level. So head on out and get the book. I’m rooting for ya.
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