I know. I know. It’s quite a question: Why do people lie? Lying, the act of being intentionally deceitful, is about as common as breathing. In fact, I don’t believe there is a human being alive who has never told a lie—except maybe those who have yet to begin speaking.
Everyone has, at some point, sought to cover the truth for one reason or another. And this doesn’t just apply to individuals.
Corporations, governments, and institutions of all type engage in the infamous game of deceit. We all know it. What most of us don’t know is WHY people lie, how lying to others affects our self improvement journey, and how to permanently stop lying.
Why People Lie
Why is it that so many of us engage in something that brings so much pain and misunderstanding? If you take the time to ponder several lies that you’ve told and/or lies that you’ve been told by others, it becomes quite clear that there is one core reason at the root of all dishonesty. That reason is fear.
I’m sure you can think of several other reasons for telling lies: greed, shame, unfairness, cowardice, insecurity, guilt. But guess what…fear is also at the core of these.
Have you ever lied about your age or weight? If so, it may be because you were ashamed or insecure. But why feel ashamed? Why were you insecure? Perhaps you feared what another would think of your truth.
As a child you likely lied about breaking a household item, hitting your sibling, or losing homework. Is it not fear that drives children’s attempts at deceit?
Have you ever declined someone’s request to borrow money by lying? I sure have. It’s tempting to say, “I don’t have it” instead of just saying “NO.” Why is that? For me it was the fear of hurting someone’s feelings or being judged as a selfish person.
What about our politicians? They are notorious for lying—telling you whatever they think you want to hear. The same is true of businesses that benefit from unethical and illegal practices. They lie about it, of course. But why? Greed? Yes. Unfairness? Yes. But why are they greedy and unfair? Fear!!! Fear that they won’t have enough votes, customers, or profits. Fear of loss. Fear that they’ll be outdone by a competitor. Fear of underachievement.
Have you ever been deceived by a cheating lover? If so, it may seem that they did so because they were cowardly, greedy, and ashamed of their own guilt. That may be a part of it. But there’s always more. People who cheat and lie are often afraid to face things about themselves that they don’t like. Maybe he feared inadequacy so much that he needed multiple partners as confirmation. Maybe she kept a “spare tire” because she feared being left alone. Maybe they feared true love and commitment.
There are so many reasons (or excuses) for deception, but fear is always at the core.
Destroying Self Improvement by Lying
Lying to others is just the start of the problem. What makes it worse is that people end up lying to themselves in order to feel better about the situation at hand.
As a liar, there’s a good chance that you’re not someone you can be proud of, so the “need” arises to deceive the person in the mirror. Most people find ways to justify their lies, oftentimes fooling themselves into having a surface level belief in their own falsehoods. Nothing good comes out of living in denial and being unable to own up to who you are As-Is.
If you cheated on your diet, failed at something you bragged about, broke someone’s heart, neglected a friendship, or made a stupid mistake on your job, OWN IT. Don’t hide behind a lie. Don’t fear being imperfect. Accept and show yourself fully—flaws, fears, screw-ups and all.
Even a “little white lie” has a negative impact. When you turn away from your truth and deny yourself the opportunity to face certain circumstances, you may fool others but you harm yourself. You hinder your own personal growth by creating more internal shame and adding to your limiting beliefs.
This is murder to your self improvement efforts. You can’t improve what you refuse to see.
Ending Lies to Become a Better You
Remember the saying, “The truth shall set you free?” It’s true! There is freedom in telling the truth. By showing yourself as you are, refusing to hide behind the cloak of lies, you choose the way of the courageous over the way of the cowardly.
You instantly set yourself free from the bondage of lying to yourself and others. You are free to examine your own truths, to change those truths (if you so desire) and to become a better version of yourself. A weight is lifted off your shoulders.
Consider this: Would your words, actions, or behaviors change if you knew that you could never again hide the truth from anyone? If you knew that every lie you told would be exposed as such, would you change whatever it is that you lie about? If so, why not just change it? If you can’t change it or you don’t want to change, why not just make peace with your truth?
I’m beginning the ultimate challenge and I hope others will join me. Will you look deep into every single lie, even the smallest ones, and challenge yourself to be completely honest with everyone about everything? It sounds strange to imagine never lying again, but sit down and ask yourself this question: “What am I afraid of?”
What do you have to lose by ALWAYS telling the truth? Are you worried about what people will think of you? Would their thoughts of you be warranted? Are you afraid others won’t love or support you? Do you feel worthy of their love and support?
To evolve into the persons we have the potential to be, to truly enjoy self improvement success, we must strive to always make the highest choice—the choice that love would make. Love for self and love for others. A lie does not have love at its core and a lie is never ever the highest choice.
DECEIT DETECTOR – NEVER BE LIED TO AGAIN
Other Great Resources
Relationship Healer – The Magic of Making Up
Change Anything – Hypnosis Success
Related Self Improvement Blog Articles
Living in Denial – Why We Like Being Lied To
How to Trust Again – 7 Steps to Overcome Betrayal
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Great topic and insight Nea!
Lying is so damaging. And as our culture begins embracing social media, I believe it will be harder and harder for people to lie. Transparency is becoming an invaluable trait for our athletes, politicians and business people. The more transparent and real you are – the more likely people will want to engage with you and the more likely you will feel enriched by living out the truth everyday.
Stellar post!
Hi there Ryan. The quest for truth is something that will always meet with great resistance. However I do agree the Internet is making it easier to head in the right direction. What I hope for is a bit different. I hope people will begin living more honest lives because it is the right thing to do–not because they fear being outed.
This is really profound and really made me think because if we think we are a good person we can believe we NEVER lie, and yet there are many forms lying can take. It really invites a closer look and a deep form of soul searching. It is something I relate to and also have thought about. It is takes guts to do it, because we have to start by being TOTALLY, ruthlessly honest with ourselves. I like that. Beautiful, dramatic, raw and pithy post!!! It’s really getting down to the bare bones. Good…for…YOU!! Huge hugs and much love and respect coming your way dear Nea. Always, Robin
You make such a wonderful point–the starting place is within. Until we can totally face ourselves, honesty with others will prove painful if not completely impossible.
It’s always wonderful to see your beautiful smile, Robin. Thanks for stopping by. Muah!
great and powerful point. Agree you that is good to align to the truth because is the only way we can improve our growth. keep up
Thank you Hesbon.
This post is really pertinent to me at the moment. I had a large discussion with my mum the other day, my grandad had been told he had cancer and was going to see the consultant for his prognosis. She felt very strongly that the consultant should, not really lie, but not be direct with his results. She knows he is the type of man who, if told he has 2 months to live, would die in 2 months, if told 2 years he would live that long.
I was unsure. I could certainly see her point, but if there was something wrong with me I would want to know and be angry if she had asked a consultant not to tell me………Apart from anything Drs have ethics and this would break them!
Either way, I could see why she wanted someone else to lie.
Sorry that was rather a long tail, but I suppose there could be some grey areas (although very few and far between).
And just to let you know, the initial diagnosis had been wrong, and the tumour was benign….all that worry and discussion for nothing, but the best news my family have had in a long long time:)
Kate
I am so so so happy that your granddad is well. In a situation like your mom’s, I can understand the temptation to lie (or to get someone else to do it). It almost seems like it’s for the greater good. But I personally don’t think I could take that path–as the doctor or the mother. I think I’d handle it by finding the best possible way to tell the truth. However, I’m not the one who is in that situation. It’s clear that your mother was trying to do the best thing, even if it was to suggest dishonesty. All that any of us can do is to try doing what we feel is best & hope we’re right.
Fear…it’s so true. When my 8 year old daughter lied to me someone said, “back her into a corner and she’ll lie every time. There’s no where else for her to go.” Oh I learned a few new parenting techniques that day. She is now 100% my most honest kid;)
My only daughter 16 and I’m so glad that I’ve taught her the importance of the truth. She knows the benefits of having my trust and she fully understands that restoring lost trust is one of the hardest tasks imaginable. I tell her to always ask herself if the lie is worth destroying the trust and faith of someone you love. I hope she remembers this and applies it to all aspects of her life.
“…..the benefits of having my trust and she fully understands that restoring lost trust is one of the hardest tasks imaginable. I tell her to always ask herself if the lie is worth destroying the trust and faith of someone you love.”
That’s IT!! Right there… You said it perfectly!!
Trust and faith are tough enough to build; to rebuild? almost impossible!!
Thank You for a wonderfilled article!!
Wow, Nea this was really a nice article. I do believe the truth will set you free. I find myself slipping most when it involves someone else’s feelings. There are times when the truth may hurt someone more than necessary. I admit those situations are rare but they do occur.
That is definitely the gray area. Even if you know that telling the truth is the right thing to do, it can feel less than okay when there’s the possibility that another will receive the truth painfully.
I lie whenever I feel cornered and I don’t have anywhere to go to but lie. LOL I do think it is a habit already that has been passed from generation to generation.
Great point Mark Lying is just another bad habit and it takes work to overcome the tendency. Thanks for your comment.
Quite a question indeed and an interesting take on the subject Nea.
Reminds me of a quote from Samuel Butler, “I do not mind lying but I hate inaccuracy.”
What a strangely interesting quote. Thanks for sharing.
Personally, I see it as behind every lie, or almost everyone is something the individual doesn’t like or wants to change. And that could be from something physcial like weight or maybe pride of being proved wrong. So a cover up.
I agree Billy. We all have the choice to take the high road–face the truth instead of covering it up. The cover up doesn’t change anything. It just allows the underlying issue to quietly fester and grow.
Nea: Great post. I am in on the challenge. I couldn’t agree more with you that it is so important to be able to be honest with yourself and people. It is interesting that this is something so many people have challenges doing. I think though if you approach things with honesty and a sincere desire to always be truthful, you really open yourself up to living in the most amazing ways. Great post.
It is indeed interesting that this is something we have so much trouble with–just being completely honest. It is as if lying has become second nature to most people. I’m so glad to hear that you’re joining me on the challenge. There haven’t been many people who’ve agreed to even give it a shot. Love to you dear Sibyl.
This post really resonated with me. I find myself lying about things because I am a people pleaser and can’t stand the thought of someone being: angry/offended/disappointed/frustrated/disagreeable with me, so I lie. After reading your post I began to realize that I am a grown-up dammit!!! It’s time to be honest with myself and others because I am tired of sabotaging my self-improvement journey. Kudos for this post!!