If you’re in a healthy relationship, you know it. In fact, you and your mate likely worked hard to get to that point. However, it’s not always a clear when we’re NOT in a healthy love relationship. Why? Well, we usually carry on relationships in ways that we learned from others—and to us it seems normal.
We may not realize that our parents’ 40 year marriage was the epitome of dysfunction. We may think Leave it to Beaver was the perfect example of what life, relationships, and family are all about. We may not realize that smiling, happy couples have problems behind closed doors.
The 40 healthy relationship signs below are meant to open your eyes to what healthy relationships are all about. It’s not all smiles and kissy-face; but it’s real.
- You can be your true selves with each other.
- You feel comfortable sharing your deepest thoughts, fears, and emotions with each other.
- You rarely lie to each other, but you also refrain from being brutally honest.
- You give each other space and/or “Me time.”
- You make it through rough times as a couple without splitting up.
- You agree (or genuinely agree to disagree) on financial matters.
- You treat each other the way you would like to be treated, not necessarily the way you feel you’re being treated at the moment.
- You and your mate completely deal with your problems, refusing to leave them unresolved until resentments form.
- You forgive each other for mistakes.
- You don’t tell each other what you should or shouldn’t think/feel.
- You both listen without interrupting.
- You respect each others’ privacy.
- You speak each others’ Love Language, even if it’s different from your own.
- You willingly make sacrifices for each other.
- You share mutual interests and activities.
- You respect each others’ individuality and make the most of your differences.
- You act as each others’ backbone, providing loving support without guilt.
- You share spiritual beliefs or a spiritual connection.
- You show sensitivity to each others’ needs.
- You discuss and negotiate instead of fighting.
- Each partner takes responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings.
- There is mutual trust and dedication.
- You have a strong friendship.
- In addition to loving each other, you genuinely like each other.
- You don’t judge or force your opinions on each other.
- You take quality time to nurture your relationship.
- Both partners maintains his/her own set of boundaries and respects the boundaries of the other.
- You are both attentive to the needs of yourself and the other.
- You enjoy physical contact (hugs, kisses, cuddling, sex) together.
- You show appreciation for each other.
- Hardship, uncertainty, and disagreements are accepted as a part of life.
- You communicate openly and meaningfully with each other.
- There is equal power between you and your mate.
- You keep your expectations of each other in check.
- You genuinely apologize to one another when feelings are hurt.
- You and your mate speak up assertively instead of expecting the other to read minds.
- You both eliminate passive aggressive behavior (ignoring, silent treatment, eye rolling, stomping, hanging up the phone) as much as possible.
- You have a strong sense of interdependence (mutual responsibility) to each other rather than dependence or co-dependence.
- You avoid going to bed mad.
- You CAN live without each other, but you choose each other over every alternative choice.
If all 40 of the above apply to you and your spouse/mate, you’re in better shape than most people in the world. However, every relationship has its challenges.
Instead of using the signs that you’re in a healthy relationship as a way to judge yourself and your mate, use them as a guide to growth. After all, relationship success is a part of self improvement success.
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Nea is a Transformational Life Coach whose mission is to help you love your life.
If you desire the “good life” and you want to know how Nea can help you attain it, contact her now.
Hi, I'm Nea. As a 
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this was written by a woman for sure
Yes. I’m Nea and I welcome you to the site. The article was written by me, but a lot of people (males and females) are in agreement. Wishing you healthy relationships!
Number 18 is specious or folly, Agree to disagree and never to fight about faeries, spooks, and flowers is more accurate.
You’re right that some couples can handle having different spiritual beliefs, as long as they respect each others differences. I do think it’s extremely healthy to spiritually connect with your partner. It’s an amazing addition to the standard physical and emotional connections.
Guy,
I think it’s funny you find that one stupid because my faith is the most important part of my life and #18 resonated most with me. Nea, you’re spot on.
Why insult another’s religious beliefs? You have problems my friend. See a shrink.
Very nice list Nea. I like the ones that talk about independence and space because too often, especially in young couples, there is a tendency to smother and have to do everything together. One of the others that is so difficult for many people and at the same time so important:
“You agree (or genuinely agree to disagree) on financial matters.”
Hi there Stephen. Thanks so much for dropping by. You mentioned one that’s the top reason for divorce: finances. It seems like something people should easily be able to compromise on, but a lot of people don’t discuss it before tying the knot.
I’ve been in love. And I can tell you. When your with someone you really really like! lol, you tend to be yourself completely without a care in the world. The good the bad and the ugly. And boy was she UGLY!…lol ( just kidding). The same goes for all of you who have been in love. When you find that person you love, you’ll see what I’m talking about. Great post NEA!
You gave me quite a laugh Jonathan. I’ve experienced love without the like, so I’m the first one to stand up for how important this one is. The best relationships are the ones in which you continue working on your friendship (the liking part). Love is wonderful, but it’s not enough to maintain a happy relationship if two people stop liking each other.
though all of these are true, this is describing a PERFECT relationship and i feel there is NO such thing as perfect.. thats my opinion..
Hi Sade. I think you missed the last two paragraphs. Here’s a quote, “Every relationship has its challenges. Instead of using the signs that you’re in a healthy relationship as a way to judge yourself and your mate, use them as a guide to growth.”
Nice post and great suggestions Nea. I really liked this one. I think all the insights you shared are great aspects of a relationship and as you mentioned, if they are not already existent in your relationship, they can definitely be used as a guide to growth. Life really is all about living and learning and that applies to every aspect of our life … and especially relationships. It is all about learning from them and nurturing them so they can flourish. Great list.
Thanks Sibyl. You’re so right that relationship success is all about nurturing what you have together. If two people put in 100% and do their best, the relationship will flourish without a doubt.
Many times my wife and I have been told that we have a perfect marriage. We are always asked, how we get along so well. Our response has always been Communication. Your list expands on the simple Truth. Been married 12 years this November, and will remain so until death do us part!
Blessings,
Ron
Hi Ron. I love the example you’ve given here. Relationships are hard work, but they can be so rewarding when both partners do their best. It sounds like you and your wife have the key to making it work. Congrats to your family.
Hi,
Thanks for a great post!
It seems to me that one of the biggest relationship mistakes is holding our partner responsible for our happiness. It’s a fine balance because of course it matters how we’re treated by our mate.
Yet, when we realize and take responsibility for our own well-being it takes a large load from our partner’s back and I think creates intimacy and trust.
You make great points about what creates a good relationship. It’s not being perfect. Perfect is frightening!
Warm regards,
Lauren
You’re so right Lauren–that’s a big one. It’s difficult to take ownership of our emotions, but it’s necessary in order to bring a certain peace to our relationships. This is something I’ve applied in all relationships, including those with families and friends. Thanks so much for your comments here.
Hi, I’m in a relationship, and reading the list, it’s not coming true for many points, is that mean, we are not so comfortable with each other?
Hi Varun. If you’ve been together for a while and you’re still not comfortable with each other, you may want to try having a discussion about where you stand. There are likely many things you and your mate can do to enhance your connection.
I’m not my true self even in front of my self – let alone expose that to someone I actually care about! http://www.harrykey.com/blogs/dear-sis-dont-change-men/
That’s sad, Harry. I wish you success in becoming someone you’re proud of so that you feel comfortable being yourself. Thanks for your comment.
What a great list you’ve got there Nea! The top 2 ingredients for me for a healthy marriage or relationship are respect and communication. Can’t get far without those.
You’re so right Anna. Without those two, people shouldn’t even consider marriage. Once you’re married, communication and mutual respect are like glue for holding the bond together.
Very great article, in “today’s email” i will write my girlfriend (i am three years with her!) about this and i really like it. Almost everything is right by us just point 40 i really disagree with. By real love both people couldn’t leave. They belong together. If they love, one can’t break the relationship to the other, then it would be no love, no relationship. At last i think so..
The second thing is point three “You rarely lie to each other, but you also refrain from being brutally honest.” I agree completly with this but i think the lies should be just about “sweet things” such as “Did you do breakfast?” – “no, i didn’t.” or about things which just include the both people and if the other would know it wouldn’t hurt them. If this lie would hurt it should be told the truth.
I like what you added about lying. Ideally there wouldn’t be any lies between couples, but little slips such as the ones you mentioned are pretty harmless.
40 is not enough. I need at least 120 signs that I’m in a healthy relationship before I trust ANYONE!
Trust can be difficult when you’ve been hurt, but I’m sure you’ll open your heart again. Living in fear is just as hurtful. I wish you healing and peace of mind. Love, Nea
Hello! I just stumbled onto your site and I am so thankful I did! Your insight into what determines a *healthy* realationship made me examine my own. My fiancee and I meet many of these requirements, but often times I forget to realize how great our relationship is. After reading your list it reminded me just how lucky we are to have something so special. I agree that we are not going to have all 40 every day of our lives, but if we are aware of our deficiencies we will know what we need to work on. Thanks for sharing!
Hello. I included a source in my blog when I copied this. If it’s okay with you, I would really like to share it to my friends because it’s very helpful. Sorry for the inconveniences.
It’s okay to reference the post or to summarize it, but it is not okay to copy the entire article and publish it elsewhere.
Hi Nea–
Nice post! I am curious if you have any advice for #11, no interrupting. My partner and I have a wonderful relationship BUT he can’t seem to refrain from that one behavior. I’ve brought it up before when we are having (ahem) discussions and although he recognizes that he does interrupt, he can’t seem to quit. Why?
Side note, we are both mature adults in our 40s but our own relationship is still fairly young–two years.
Thanks so much!
Hi Amy. I’d say that if this is the biggest problem you have, your relationship is in great shape. It sounds like interrupting is a habit for him–and we all know how difficult it is to break a habit. My advice is to hang in there and just keep bringing it to his attention when he interrupts.
A truly amazing person wrote this!
Wow, Rick. Thanks so much for that awesome compliment.
It’s articles like this that make you really envious of this kind of relationship.
Hi Lain. You can have a healthy relationship too. Nothing in this article is meant to imply that relationships can be perfect, but at least you know what to work towards.
You made some good points there. I did a search on the topic and found most people will agree with
your blog.
Hi Nea, I am in total agreement with your list, love it. I believe we are comfortable with eachother. My problem is: I get the silent treatment when we are having an issue and I want to discuss it.#39 is the most hurtful for me. Any advice?
After reading the list my first thought was this was written by a woman. Don’t get me wrong, I agree with almost all the list, and I’m in a relationship very much like this. I find the list lacking because it makes no mention of the bedroom. Which is just as important part of a healthy relationship as any other thing.
And though I disagree with the existence of a “spiritual connection” I know which feelings can be misinterpreted for them.
Hi Custos. Thanks for sharing your comment. You’re right…great sex is definitely a quality of a healthy relationship. It’s also a quality of relationships that aren’t healthy at all, so I decided not to include it.
Great work keep it coming, best blog on earth
I can say that the majority of this list applies to my boyfriend and I today. We had our struggles, and it took a lot of work (lots of tears shed, arguments, silent treatment, the works!) to get to where we are today. I’m very happy with him, and while we still have our issues, it’s the best relationship I’ve been in. Thank you for such an amazing list. It reaffirms how we feel about each other, and everything we still need to grow and mature.
I completely agree with 23 and 24. I’ve been best friends with my boyfriend for the past five years. I’m definitely going to show him this. He’s definitely going to find this just as enlightening as I did.
Thanks!
That is wonderful, Anna. I truly hope you guys enjoy looking at the list as a couple. Thank you!
Many of these rules revolve around honest and open communication, the foundation of healthy relationships. And mutual respect. Nice list. Thanks for sharing.
I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good. I don’t know who you are but definitely you’re going to a famous blogger if you aren’t already
Cheers!
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