Do you ever feel like, despite all your efforts, it’s impossible to get your point across to someone? You start off using your best communication skills, but somehow it turns into an argument that spins out of control. It happens to the best of us. However, by the end of this article, you’ll be armed with an assertiveness skill that will help you get your point across to anyone in any situation.
How to NOT Get Your Point Across
If there’s anything that makes my blood boil, it is having a disagreement with someone who brings up the past, jumps off the subject, yells, curses, or uses over-the-top body language. My instinctual, passive-aggressive response is to shut down, completely refusing to continue the conversation. Oh yeah—now that’s mature. NOT!
If you’re not the type of person to walk away, you may be amongst those who fight fire with fire. If they yell, you yell louder. They bring up the past, so you bring up the past. They stomp their feet and throw their arms up, so you do the same. Uhmm…do I really need to tell you that this isn’t mature either? I didn’t think so.
Why Assertiveness Skills Matter
The problem with the responses above is that you never get your point across. If you’re yelling, nobody is interested in hearing what you have to say. They’ll either tune you out or try to outdo you with their own yelling. If you shut down, it’s even more obvious that nobody will hear what you have to say. You have to actually say something if you want to be heard. Right?
Aggressive, passive, and passive aggressive communication styles are all examples of letting our emotions get the best of us. The end result is that you don’t get your point across, nobody gets their needs met, a problem remains unresolved, and people start to resent each other. Clearly, we need to learn the art of assertiveness for effective communication.
I’ve learned exceptional communication skills through assertiveness training, so I want to share a simple assertiveness technique that can help you to get your point across in any situation.
Take a look at the following argument scenario:
John: You’re late AGAIN. If you can’t be on time, we will no longer work together.
Kirk: Don’t start complaining. I had a lot to do. I got here as soon as I could.
John: You’ve known for a week that the meeting was scheduled for 10 AM today. I canceled another appointment in order to be here at this time. And now I’ll be behind for the rest of the day.
Kirk: That’s not my fault. You shouldn’t schedule so many things close together.
John: My schedule is my business. If you would show up on time, it wouldn’t be a problem.
Kirk: You were late last month.
John: I was courteous enough to call and let you know about the road block that was keeping me behind. You don’t bother to call. You just show up late without considering anyone else.
Kirk: Well maybe there was a roadblock today and I didn’t have my phone. When Jane was late you didn’t say anything to her.
John: But you’re always late and you never call. You are selfish and irresponsible. Jane always calls.
Kirk: Oh really. Remember that time I picked you up in the middle of the night when your car broke down on the highway. You didn’t think I was selfish and irresponsible then. Where was Jane then?
John: I did the same thing for you many times. When your wife had that wreck, I was there every single time you needed a ride. I made sure you were at your appointments on time too.
Kirk: No, you picked me up 20 minutes late one day because you overslept. I didn’t give you a hard time about it though.
John: But I had the flu. I was running a fever, I let you know that I was sick, and I still drove you around.
This argument could go on like this forever. Kirk and John will get more and more upset by the moment; and in the end nothing will get accomplished. Let’s equip John with a tried and proven assertiveness skill to show how he could handle the disagreement more effectively.
Using Assertive Communication Skills
The communication skill that I like to use is called The Nevertheless Shield. This assertiveness technique is a perfect way to always get your point across, but you must first know what the point is that you are trying to make.
In our example situation, what John wants is for Kirk to do one of two things: 1) Show up on time OR 2) Provide notice that he will be late. Without the nevertheless shield, the point is not being made. Kirk is drawing John into conversation about past events and they are both forgetting about the real issue.
Here’s an example of how the conversation should go with the use of my favorite assertiveness skill:
John: Just so you know, I feel disrespected and disregarded when you show up late without providing any notice. So, I’d prefer that you to commit to being on time if we will continue doing business together. I understand there will be times when you’ll be late, but I’m requesting that you let me know ahead of time.
Kirk: Don’t start complaining again. I had a lot to do. I got here as soon as I could.
John: I understand what you’re saying; nevertheless, I will not continue to do business with you unless you commit to being on time. On rare occasions when you are running late, just call to let me know ahead of time. OK?
Kirk: You’re late sometimes too. You were late for the most important meeting last month. Jane was late too and you didn’t say anything to her.
John: I hear you. I understand that I have been late before; nevertheless, I am asking you to commit to being on time. I’ll understand if you’re occasionally late as long as you call ahead to let me know what to expect. Agreed?
Kirk: I’ve been there for you when you couldn’t be on time and you needed my help.
John: I understand your point and I appreciate that; nevertheless, we will only continue doing business together if you stop showing up late without providing notice. OK?
The Nevertheless Shield is an extremely effective assertiveness technique. The other assertiveness skill being used here is the “I” statement. We can ward off some defensiveness in disagreements by saying, “I feel” and “I understand” instead of aggressive statements like “you need to…” or “you should.”
The use of “I” statements along with the nevertheless shield will help you get your point across in almost any situation. Instead of wasting time arguing over trivial bullshit, your point will be heard by the person you’re talking to. They won’t always like it or agree to it, but they won’t be able to deflect.
What do you think of the nevertheless shield? Would you say that you have good assertiveness skills?
Nea is a Life Transformation Coach who believes happiness should never be optional.
If you’re ready to live a happier, more fulfilling life and you want to know how Nea can help you overcome what stands in your way, contact her now or click the link here to learn more about life coaching
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Great article, I will test this out on my supervisor next.
Good idea. Come back and let me know how it works out for ya.
Great article! I’ll use this tip. You must have been watching me today….
Hi Linda. I wasn’t watching you, but it’s definitely a tip that we can all use. It has helped me tremendously.
Great work, Nea! Keep up the good work! Important information presented in a light, fun package! Kudos!
Thanks so much Jeffrey. I’m so glad you liked it. I can’t tell you how much it’s helped me.
very well written Nea, the examples also made it a lot clear
I’m glad you enjoyed it Farouk. I took an assertiveness class in which we acted this out in skits. Very very helpful.
I have always liked the techniques Stephen Covey shares in “The 7 habits of highly effective people” – Seek to understand first and then to be understood.
If you take the time to listen to someone elses opinion they will be more open to yours.
By going in head-on you both will just start arguing, but by letting them say their piece you can say yours and both try to find a solution, together.
//Daniel
Hi Daniel. That’s a great tip. Thanks so much for sharing. Have a great day!
Pretty good explanation…am gonna try some points in my GD
I’m not sure what a GD is, but I Hope the nevertheless shield works well for you. Good luck!
I appreciate the idea of the article and the points in it, however, I disagree with your favorite method. Saying ‘I understand’ and ‘nevertheless’ makes you sound like you are being ignorant, at least in this particular ‘arguement’ where you are just brushing off everything the other person said – so really, you don’t understand. Nevertheless, good article. Thanks.
Like anything else, it’s not for everyone. The psych doctor that developed this technique put a lot of research into it. It is used by professionals to help people communicate both at work and at home. It works for so many people- including me. The idea is to stick to the purpose of the conversation, to get your point out before moving on to other topics. It’s so easy for arguments to spin out of control when we start deviating from the original point. Bringing up the past, blaming, and otherwise getting off the subject is simple evidence of poor communication.
The nevertheless shield is a way to make sure that you are heard by being assertive instead of passive or aggressive. Once point A has been heard, it is then okay to move on to something else. I wouldn’t say there’s anything ignorant about that.
Thanks for your comment.
Great article! I should try this on my clients, or so.. Really diggin’ the idea!
Thanks Judith. Believe it or not, it takes a little practice. Most of us are so accustomed to getting off topic that it’s almost painful to not address the sidebar points being made by the other person. We easily get frustrated and say, “To hell with the nevertheless shield.” Believe me…it took me a while to do it right.
If you try it with your clients, I’d love to hear how it goes.
Man, subliminal helped me out a lot when I was younger. It the best way to start changing how you perceive yourself and the world. Great post and explanation.
I’m glad you enjoyed the post Jonathan.
Great article Nea. I used to be the Johns of this world and it was a very stressful position to be in. Assertiveness training is a ‘must’ for anyone in leadership position. I learned the hard way initially but once I got my act together, it actually set me free. Everybody likes to be acknolwdged even when you don’t agree and your examples were given in such an easy way showing the ‘before’ and ‘after’ impact. Thanks
Thanks Jo. I think we’ve all been on both sides of the argument at some point in our lives. As a teenager and even in my early twenties, I remember having a hard time communicating. I’d hold grudges for a long time and they would surface during unrelated discussions. Highly ineffective way to get a point across! It’s amazing how we think we know it all when we’re young, but we live and we learn.
Nea: Very interesting approach. I am going to try this one out this week
I can see why using the “nevertheless shield” can be effective. I think it really allows people to know that we aren’t disregarding what they are saying and hopefully that allows them to listen instead of just shutting off and deciding they are 100% right. Words and tone really do matter and if we use them to our advantage, we can effectively communicate. Great post and thanks for the advice.
Hi there Sibyl. If you try it out, I’d love to hear the outcome. It truly takes some patience and practice, but it is worth it 100%.
It is a great method. I think what would make it even better would be to acknowledge the other person’s point a bit more than just saying “I understand”. I would also say something along the lines of “I see your point, I have been mistaken too in the past and will try to improve on this in the future” and then use the nevertheless part. To make sure that the other person feels that they’ve been heard and their point of view has been taken into consideration so they would be more inclined to focus on the current issue.
Hi Gemma. Yes, you can improvise with this method. The key is to not drift away too far from the point. Another way is to tell the person that you’ll be happy to discuss his/her concerns AFTER THIS discussion. That way they know they’ll have their time to bring up any outstanding issues without using them as a distraction from your point.
Great advice!
Thanks Stephen.
In theory – it sounds nice, but I have to try this method in practice, and check if it works
I think assertiveness is a skill that we should envolve if we want to achieve success in our lifes, but for me is not so easy and it requires a lot of work and determination. Regards.
Hi Tanie. I’d love to hear back from you about the results.
great share, a very useful article. keep sharing.
aghhhhh yes I I I I I I I I …
great post, now if we could just get everyone to read up on this…
Hahahaha. It would be awesome if we could all reach a consensus on something like this. Hmmmm…..a world full of effective communicators. I don’t expect that to happen anytime soon but it was a nice thought.
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