If you think you’re free, there’s no escape possible. ~Ram Dass
Over the last few weeks, I totally immersed myself in aspects of life that are anything but typical for me. Prior to this little “experiment,”my days were heavily focused on the infamous world of the Internet—blogging, Googling, Tweeting, Facebooking, emailing and pretty much anything else that involves my beloved laptop. To be quite honest, it’s a technology-loving introvert’s coolest dream. However, I’m mindful enough to know when something is missing.
Project: Mind Vacation
Instead of following my daily regimen, I decided to dedicate a few days (which turned into weeks) to living in a way that I’ve never before regarded as desirable, valuable or even slightly aligned with my goals. It’s safe to say that I was my own guinea pig in this little impromptu project.
I decided to release my obsession with obligation, ritual and expectation; replacing that way of life with one of pure freedom, being open to exploration, but—most importantly—simply allowing myself to be. So, what exactly have I been up to? A whole lot of sitting! Literally.
I spent some time at the local Zen Center where I “dabbled” in Zen Buddhism, taking time to simply sit with others who knew (or were learning) the value of just sitting. Nothing to do but notice the thoughts that come and go; making myself available to whatever the present moment brought my way. The energy was amazing. Sitting in silence, and sometimes in discomfort, resisting nothing—not even my own tendency to resist. Nowhere to go. No judgments, decisions, requirements—just sitting, paying attention to my breathing, noticing when I’m not paying attention to my breathing, and then (once again) paying attention to my breathing.
It wasn’t until a few days into this pretty-much unplanned vacation of sorts that I even realized I needed a vacation. What I thought might be a few days outside of my routine turned into weeks of something that I can never fully describe to you in words. The best I can do is to say that I set myself free, without even knowing that I was in bondage. Instead of pushing myself to do, say, act, think or go; I just sort of let myself drift.
Sometimes the best thing to do is no thing at all.
Mindful and Free
When I wasn’t practicing meditation at the Zen Center, I practiced mindfulness and living in the moment on my own. I’m not stranger to meditation or mindfulness, but for the first time I gave myself fully to the process. I committed to doing what I felt inspired to do AND only at the moment that I felt the inspiration. No putting off those moments while whittling down some to-do list. In fact, no to-do list even in sight. Just going with the flow. I was so free that it scared me at times. Still, I went with it.
When I felt inspired to write, I wrote, not out of duty but out of my heart’s desire. When I felt inspired to read, I read what I felt drawn to in that moment, noticing the increased clarity and comprehension. If I felt like doing nothing, I did nothing. But then I realize nothing doesn’t exist. There’s always something, though I’d grown accustomed to regarding simple somethings as nothing. Breathing, listening, sitting, noticing, being—all something. I thought I understood what it meant to be free, but my understanding is renewed to say the least. What a difference it makes to simply do what your heart desires, to even learn what it is that your heart desires.
“The quieter you become, the more you can hear.” ~Baba Ram Dass
The Emotional Roller Coaster of Freedom & Mindfulness
At times, my body wanted rest when my mind did not and vice versa. Sometimes, I felt like laughing, crying or even both at the same time. Sometimes, intrusive thoughts broke my concentration, yanking me back to unresolved bits of the past or compelling me to resume my chase of the future. I breathed through the confusion, noticing it all and reminding myself to judge none of it, while fully acknowledging and experiencing the emotions that came and went with each thought.
I don’t know how I knew that I needed this, but I did indeed need it. I needed to simply BE with me.
While mindful of everything, most importantly of my own mind and body, I received so many silent messages that I’m usually too busy to notice. Moments of joy, fear, inspiration, depression, enthusiasm, anxiety—where do they come from? How do they just show up in my life, sometimes seemingly out of the blue? How can I get a better grip on some and release others? Without me actually questioning, the answers poured in like calming rivers of milk and honey. But why? Because I was finally listening. I was allowing myself to be okay with the moment, the silence, the freedom. I wasn’t completely comfortable with it, but I let it happen. I didn’t busy myself or fill those “empty” moments with items from my to-do list. I did nothing to calm the emotions that speak to and through me. Everything along the spectrum—from outrageous joy to pain—I sat with it.
The Life Lessons and Payoffs
It’s amazing what you can find when you’re not searching, what you can win when you’re not fighting, what you can see when you’re not staring, what you can learn when you’re not scrutinizing, and how far you can get when you’re not rushing.
I can’t even begin to explain to you how these weeks have changed me. I learned so much about what is right for me and how to proceed in my journey. Most importantly, I learned that my learning is just getting started and that I need only to remain open to the observations that come in silence.
I observed feeling more “connected” in certain locations, around certain people, when certain fragrances danced in the air. Depending on where I was, who I was near, what I ate, the pace at which I moved, the lighting, and even the placement of furniture; I noticed very strong energy shifts within and around me. Signs. Lessons. Omens. Answers.
“Sometimes it’s important to work for that pot of gold. But other times it’s essential to take time off and to make sure that your most important decision in the day simply consists of choosing which color to slide down on the rainbow.” ~Douglas Pagels
Your Mind on Vacation
Are you also in need of a vacation? I’m not talking about taking a trip to Disney World or the South of France where you can busy your mind in new, exciting ways. I’m talking about a spiritual, mental and emotional holiday. A time for setting yourself free, connecting with the Inner You.
No, it’s not fun in the usual way we view vacation. There may not be luxury cruise lines, amusement parks or swimming with the dolphins. In fact, this type of vacation includes some moments of uneasiness. Personally, there were times when I wondered what in hell I’d gotten myself into.
My heart hurt when I realized how much I had lost myself in the busyness of the world, barely able to drown out the distracting mental chatter for mere seconds. I wanted to back out of this little experiment when bombarded by counterproductive thoughts of guilt about what I should be doing, fear of letting down those who expect me to do certain things at certain times, questions about my worth while living at this slow and “unproductive” pace.
But I came out on the other side as a renewed version of myself. By simply slowing down, observing and accepting everything, resisting nothing and allowing life to unfold; I learned—no, I remembered—what it means to be alive and free. No…I can’t give you the meaning. That’s a discovery that requires more than reading this article.
If you want to realize more joy, experience true personal freedom and get more meaning out of life, you’ll need to go through the wilderness as I did. Your inspirations, lessons and your remembrance may play a totally different tune.
For me, a great period of change and spiritual development is underway My habits, commitments, values, methods and daily activities are evolving quite rapidly. And, given my intention to remain open and unstuck, they may continue to evolve in ways that I’m not yet aware of.
I am attached to no outcome, but there is something that I can promise you. My love for each and every one of you who support me and this blog is immutable. It is such a gift to have amazing people, many of whom I have never actually laid eyes upon, to share my life journey with. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I want only to be my very best, so that I might share the best of me with you, thereby inspiring you to share your best with someone else. Pay it forward and we can make the World a better place. One happy, free, loving, evolving Soul at a time.
Are you free? Do you need a “vacation”? Have you ever wondered what you would end up doing if all you had to do was observe what you want to do, accept what is done, and love what you do?
Image credit: Jean-Ettienne Poirrier
Hi, I'm Nea. As a 
{ 5 comments }
Happy to have you back Nea, it’s been a long time you never updated this blog. Wow… I envy your ‘do nothing’ vacation and I must say it requires a lot of courage to stop everything, no duties, no worries, just rest and really ‘be’ with yourself. I bet it’s a meaningful journey as you sum it up so well: “to accept what is done, and love what you do”. I wish I’ll have this ‘vacation’ soon
sounds like a good plan
i will do the same
thanks Nea
Putting it another way, when we practice mindfulness and focus our full awareness on the present moment, we free ourselves from the suffering that occurs when we let our minds wander off to ruminating on the past or worrying about an imagined future. For example, if I begin my day obsessing over a recent painful experience or something I’m afraid might happen, I find it helpful to bring myself back to the present by consciously focusing my full attention on my physical activity and bodily sensations as I go about my yoga and other morning exercises.
The day I started to think less about what the others would think my life got a new direction. Today I don’t have as many friends as before but I don’t care.
Good for you Karina! Quality often serves us much better than quantity anyway.
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