“If you want to soar, why surround yourself with people who’ve clipped their wings? Make a choice: Stay stuck in the mud with those who aren’t going in the direction you want to go. Or take flight with those who are determined to fly.” –Nea Joy Justice

You Are the Company You Keep

I want to give you a quick reminder of something you may have heard before.

Your level of success in life will most likely remain a pretty close match to the people closest to you.  Let me take the sugar coating off of that and say it another way: You won’t get much farther than they do.

Now, if you’re satisfied with what that means for your life, by all means, maintain your relationships.  BUT….If this bit of truth unnerved you or you felt a little surge of anger at this idea (or at me for stating the idea), I encourage you to rethink the company you keep.

Who Exemplifies Where You’re Going

So who are these people anyway? To whom do you dedicate your time and energy? They are the ones you talk to on the phone, email or chat with, have lunch with, or otherwise spend time with. Your closest family members, friends, colleagues, associates.   

It may be tough to accept, but these people are reflections of you—where you come from, where you are, what you stand for and where you’re headed. 

If you spend most of your time with wining, complaining, unhappy, “lost” people who are perpetually stuck in a rut; guess where you’re likely to end up. It ain’t pretty!

It Shouldn’t Matter Who You Hang Around – Right?

You know that old saying, “Misery loves company”? Well, it’s true.  Most of your miserable friends won’t want to sit around and listen to how motivated and empowered you feel.  In fact, it’s unlikely that you have a lot of miserable friends if you’re a very positive person.  And it’s unlikely that you have a lot of motivated friends who are aware of their personal power if you are typically a miserable person. 

Unhappy people don’t want to celebrate your successes and hear you go on a rampage about all of the wonderful things you appreciate in your life.  They don’t want to hear you focus on your goals and the many ways you’re excelling in life.  But guess what?

That’s exactly what it takes to allow manifestations of success, greatness and outrageous joy.  You have to allow it, feel it, and let it just ooze from you in every way. 

You have to let your sun shine through so that you may attract more and more and more of the good stuff.  You have to raise your energy and maintain it in that higher state by relishing in the beauty of it. 

But, what happens when you spend most of your time with people who would rather gripe, complain, engage in counterproductive behavior, neglect themselves and their responsibilities, accept defeat or just give up?  More often than not, you jump on the bandwagon.  You may not become exactly like them, but you’ll slowly find yourself coming down a notch. And then another notch, and another and another. 

You’d feel guilty for “burdening” them with things they don’t want to hear, like your aspirations and accomplishments, so you go with the flow they’ve set for you. You don’t even notice the energy being drained from you as you put aside your bright ideas right along with the inner voice that’s calling you forward.  It’s easier, and quite harmless, to just engage in a little gossip, complaining, time-wasting, or distraction.  Right?

But You Just Want to Help…

If you’re more of the “co-dependent” type, you may find yourself getting pulled down by trying to pull certain people up.  When you’re talking to them or spending time with them, you often find yourself frustrated by their actions.  You tell them what they should and shouldn’t do, but they don’t listen. You give them ideas and resources, but they ignore it. You invite them to climb the ladder of success with you, but they’re full of excuses. Eventually, you notice that you’re not even climbing anymore.  You’re stuck as if there’s some invisible ceiling blocking your way, or worse yet, you’ve fallen completely off. 

Your intent to pull up someone who isn’t ready to be helped is exactly what pulls you down.  It depletes you of the energy you may otherwise reserve for your own success and growth. And the results of that? The old sayings prove themselves to be true—birds of a feather flock together and misery loves company.

What Can You Do About It

I’m the first to admit that it’s hard to let go of the familiar.  Oftentimes, we have attachments to people and to the types of relationships that we have with them.  The case varies for each person.

For you, these may be people you grew up with or people you are related to.  Maybe they’re people you love, care about, have a lot of fun with, or feel obligated to.  I get it! The guilt alone can be so paralyzing that it’s difficult to even give a momentary thought to changing the crowd you keep. But how are these relationships serving you?

In most cases, cutting people off completely isn’t the only answer.  Less drastic options are easier, more reasonable, and usually, just as effective. 

Maybe you need to change how you relate to certain people, spend less time with them, establish and enforce some boundaries. For example, you may invite your old drinking buddy to an alcohol-free event that you find enjoyable.  You may invite your complaining sister to a motivational seminar or let your perpetually-jobless friend tag along to a meeting you have with colleagues. In every case, you are remaining in your element while leaving the door open for them to enter. They have the option to decline.

Even more important than how you handle the relationships that aren’t serving you is your commitment to developing relationships that do serve you.  Take a look at the direction in which you want your life to go.  This will give you a great idea of the types of people who would make great additions to the company you keep. 

Combine your energy with like-energy, and watch it expand like a beautiful flame ignited from one tiny spark.  Let no one put out the fire inside you. And notice how much more easily your dreams unfold.

Photo credit: Rachel Souza

Nea Justice

Nea is a Transformational Life Coach whose mission is to help you love your life.

If you desire the “good life” and you want to know how Nea can help you attain it, contact her now.

    

What better reflects the quality of our lives than the quality of our relationships? There’s not much I can think of to answer that question. 

Think of two people you know who are genuinely satisfied with their lives.  Chances are good they’re not engaged in a bunch of toxic, broken or otherwise unfulfilling relationships.  In fact, you may notice that they enjoy strong bonds with people who love and support them. 

It’s no mere coincidence that positive, authentic relationships subsist in the lives of positive, authentic people. As people contribute to the quality of their relationships, their relationships reciprocate with value-added goodness to their lives.  What a remarkable cycle!

I know it’s easier for many of us to say that we don’t need others—that we can do this thing called life all on our own.  That sounds so very tough and courageous, but it’s more like a cop-out for not putting in the “work” to build and maintain relationships of substance.

I, for one, think everybody needs somebody.  Of course, we can survive on our own.  We can make our own money, supply our own food and even build our own homes.  Without absolutely no meaningful connections to family, friends or confidants, we can indeed live on in this world. However, if we’re deeply honest with ourselves, it’s clear that a piece of us withers and dies when we don’t have strong, positive relationships.

Human beings thrive in the midst of love, compassion, sincerity and understanding.  We crave the intimacy of close relationships—having someone to confide in and to laugh with.  We want to be listened to, valued and reminded that we’re important to someone.  Good relationships fill that void.  They nurture the spirit, the psyche, the vulnerable inner child who’s always within.

Because they’re such a critical element of living a joyful, fulfilled life; it only makes sense to treat your relationships with tender loving care.  Like a delicate flower garden, relationships grow more and more beautiful when fed, cared for and kept in the sunshine.  That, my friend, is the focus of this week’s inspirational thoughts.

Maybe you haven’t done much to cultivate good relationships in the past, but (if you’re able to read this) it is not too late to start.  Take some time this week to acknowledge those who are special to you.  What can you do to remind your spouse of your commitment to love, honor and cherish? How can you show your children that, although you don’t agree with everything they do, you love them unconditionally? In what ways might you strengthen relations with a loyal customer, client or employee? There must be a way to make time for that friend you haven’t seen in so long. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll even meet someone new to add to your blossoming garden of relationships.  There is no shortage of ways to give relationships a boost.  All you need to do is reach out to someone, sharing with them some of the joy you want to manifest in your life.

Photo credit: Raj Koppula

Nea Justice

Nea is a Transformational Life Coach whose mission is to help you love your life.

If you desire the “good life” and you want to know how Nea can help you attain it, contact her now.

    

What do all of these people have in common: Your mother, father, siblings, partner or spouse, child(ren), teachers, bosses, friends, classmates, colleagues, customers, associates, doctors, therapists?  The tie that binds is their relationship with you.

From the moment of your birth until the moment you leave this world, relationships will greatly influence the way you experience life.  And if you don’t teach people how to treat you, that influence will be the source of great disappointment and grief.  Maybe you’ve already figured that out the hard way.

Have you ever been deceived by a lover? Cheated by a business partner? Bullied by a peer?  Manipulated by a family member? Disregarded by a doctor? Harassed by a boss? I’m sure some of this rings a bell.

No matter what unique situations you’ve faced in the past or may face in the future, these 6 techniques are some of the most effective ways to get the treatment that you deserve and to handle (or avoid) toxic relationships.

Teach People How to Treat You

1.    Set healthy boundaries. The most obvious way to teach others how to treat you is to make your physical and emotional boundaries clear.  Decide for yourself what is and what is not okay with you.  In every relationship, define your role, the level of closeness or intimacy, any limitations and the degree of authority or power imbalance (if any).

Also, know who is responsible for what, where you end and the other person begins. You can’t teach people how to treat you unless you first realize and project how you expect to be treated. Never underestimate the importance of your awareness and enforcement of these healthy boundaries.

2.   Show by example. Whether consciously or unconsciously, people observe the way you treat others as a reflection of what you want in return.  Keep this in mind during all of your interactions, remembering that you may get back whatever you put out.

For example, you’ll have a tough time convincing people to politely listen to what you have to say if you usually show yourself to be a poor listener.  Rather than looking like a hypocrite, show people that you’re willing to give the same courtesies that you expect to receive.

3.    Express appreciation. There is a lot that you can do to stand up for yourself when others mistreat you, but none are more effective than reinforcing the positive.  In most cases, telling a person, “I feel angry when you don’t keep your word” doesn’t garner the same powerful effect as expressing gratitude at times when the same person gives you every reason to be grateful.

People love to feel valued and appreciated, and they often respond with more praiseworthy behavior.  Make it a point to verbalize and show your gratitude.  Be generous with compliments and tokens of appreciation when they are deserved. The power of appreciation is indescribable, so don’t underestimate it.

4.    Be assertive. Assuming that people know how to treat you is a big mistake.  You are an individual, which means that you are someone unique and different from everyone else.  If you don’t speak up when you feel that you’re being mistreated, it’s plausible for others to assume that their behavior is acceptable to you.  Even if you feel that a person should know how to treat you by default, have the courage to do your part.

Make your thoughts, feelings and expectations clear; so that there is no misunderstanding.  In most cases, this is enough to teach people that you won’t just accept whatever they dish out.

5.    Prioritize self-care. When it comes to teaching people how to treat you, the lessons must start within.  People will often make assumptions about your expectations by noticing the way you treat yourself.  If you generally look worn out, sloppy, deprived and pitiable; people may treat you in the same way that you appear to treat yourself. To send a better message to others, make self-care one of the most important aspects of your life.

Not sure how to tackle self-care? Instead of listening to your inner critic, choose to think in ways that lead to positive feelings and beliefs.   Instead of harming your body with a poor lifestyle, treat yourself to healthy food, water, exercise, and safe fun.  The more you seem to treasure yourself and demand the best for yourself, the more you’ll attract others who see and respect your value.

6.    Choose the right people. There comes a time in all of our lives when we find ourselves faced with those who simply don’t care about respecting and honoring others.  There is nothing that you can do to teach these people how to treat you, but you can make sure that the overwhelming majority of your relationships do not fall into this category.  Also, you can decide to rid yourself of toxic relationships, or to at least put some distance in between you and those who mistreat you.

This is sometimes easier said than done, but difficult is not the same as impossible.  Even if the toxic relationship is with your parent, sibling, spouse or boss; you are not without choices.  Always remember that putting up with perpetual mistreatment is the complete opposite of self-care.  Do whatever it takes to take care of you.

Although every case is different, it’s pretty safe to say that relationships present some of life’s greatest joys and challenges.  In order to make the best of our lives, it is important to teach others how to treat us.  The alternative is to suffer with poor quality relationships, which really isn’t much of an alternative at all.

What do you think? How do you handle toxic relationships? Do you agree that it’s your job to teach people how to treat you? Do you find it difficult to “take care of yourself” in relationships?

Photo credit: Paula Bailey

Related Self Improvement Blog Posts

• 14 Ways to Get the Respect & Admiration You Deserve
• Can Setting Healthy Boundaries Improve Your Relationships?

Nea Justice

Nea is a Transformational Life Coach whose mission is to help you love your life.

If you desire the “good life” and you want to know how Nea can help you attain it, contact her now.

    

Healthy Boundaries = A Healthier, Happier You

Although I sincerely believe that we are all one on a spiritual level, I am completely aware of the need to set healthy personal boundaries in our every day lives.  I’m equally aware of how many people needlessly struggle due to unhealthy boundaries or living without boundaries altogether.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are limits which define who you are as a distinct individual separate from all others.  They define your responsibilities, beliefs, ideas and limits. Boundaries in relationships define where you end and another person begins, what is yours and what is not yours.

Why set boundaries?

All people have the right and responsibility to take care of themselves. This is why we set boundaries. Healthy boundaries include some degree of flexibility; but ultimately they ensure self preservation and protection.  They act as a type of invisible protective barrier that guards your feelings, thinking and body.

What happens without boundaries?

Without boundaries, we run the risk of losing ourselves, becoming enmeshed with others, allowing ourselves to be victimized, or crossing boundaries that are put in place by others.  Furthermore, unhealthy boundaries make it difficult to take responsibility for your actions, to stand up for yourself, and to draw the line between what is and what is not okay with you.

Types of Boundaries

People seem least aware when crossing boundaries that are non-physical, so what I’ll talk about here are mental and emotional boundaries.

If you’re curious about the concept of physical boundaries, just think about how close a stranger can get to you before you feel uncomfortable?  Someone at work or school? How is this different when it comes to a close friend, your spouse or your children? An angry person as opposed to someone who’s smiling?

You may not be completely conscious of how you’ve set boundaries to protect yourself physically, but you can feel them.

Now for the more complex boundaries…

Emotional Boundaries

These types of boundaries define your own emotions as separate from those of others, particularly, when someone else’s emotions are negative or manipulative.

Healthy emotional boundaries- When our emotional boundaries are properly intact, we accept full responsibility for our emotions and subsequent behaviors.  We don’t take everything personally nor do we blame others for the way we feel.

Healthy emotional boundaries also allow us to respect the feelings of others, realizing that everyone’s reality is his own and people have the right to feel whatever they feel.  We can see how our behavior affects another person without taking responsibility for their feelings; and we aren’t too inflexible to consider reasonable compromises.

Damaged Emotional Boundaries- Even healthy boundaries have some degree of flexibility, but damaged emotional boundaries are extremely fractured.  This may include constantly changing (or completely turning off) personal emotional boundaries to accommodate a certain person or circumstance.

Example: Jane generally has healthy emotional boundaries, but she feels unable to maintain them with superiors at work. If her boss is angry, frustrated or unsatisfied; she blames herself no matter how great she’s done her job.

A person with damaged emotional boundaries may also be the offender—the one crossing boundaries with certain people or in certain situations.

Example: Thomas has healthy emotional boundaries at work, but he regularly expects his wife and kids to avoid “making” him angry, upset or frustrated. If he’s feeling on edge, the family is to blame.

Rigid Emotional Boundaries- The tell-tale signs of rigid emotional boundaries are: not sharing enough of yourself with others, always refusing to compromise, and not letting people get emotionally close to you.  A person with rigid emotional boundaries isn’t willing to talk about his feelings and expresses a strong disinterest in the feelings of others.  Basically, he doesn’t care how you feel.

Non-existent emotional boundaries- People with nonexistent or enmeshed boundaries do one of two things.  Either they feel responsible for keeping everyone happy, therefore blaming themselves for the negative emotions of others; or they unfairly blame others for everything that goes wrong, therefore showing no personal accountability.

Examples: Bridget obsessively apologizes to everyone for everything with the genuine feeling that she’s at fault. If someone feels angry or sad, she believes that she is the cause.  To the contrary, Paul is a guy with an incessantly negative attitude. Rather than accepting responsibility, he blames his misery on the government, his family, his job and even the world itself. Both of these are reflections of unhealthy boundaries.

Mental Boundaries

Our mental boundaries allow us to separate our thoughts, beliefs and opinions from those of others.  They help us to maintain independence of thought, keep an open mind, think for ourselves and respect others’ right to think differently.

Healthy mental boundaries- When your mental boundaries are healthy, you can listen to and assess the thoughts of others without making them your own.  You can also share your thoughts with others without demanding that they think the same way.

Example: Sherry is a Buddhist, yet she can listen respectfully to the thoughts and beliefs of her Catholic friend.  She doesn’t change what she believes and she can speak about her beliefs without putting down or attempting to alter her friend’s beliefs.

One important point about having healthy mental boundaries is that you sometimes do change your way of thinking; however, you’re equally capable of evaluating all types of information (books, lectures, etc.) and deciding to disregard all or part of the message.

Damaged mental boundaries- A person with damaged mental boundaries may not generally have unhealthy boundaries, but crossing boundaries becomes an issue with certain people or under certain circumstances.

Example: Mark generally thinks for himself but he believes everything that he is told by his manipulative mother.  Any evidence to the contrary is strictly disregarded.

Alternatively, a person with damaged mental boundaries may be the offender—the one who pushes his thoughts, opinions and beliefs onto others.

Rigid mental boundaries- These types of boundaries leave little to no room for consideration of other people’s ways of thinking. Someone with rigid mental boundaries doesn’t care about the thoughts of others.  That person is very closed-minded and not likely to consider or listen to other ideas. These unhealthy boundaries also manifest in people who refuse to share their thoughts or discuss their beliefs with others.  This is common in people who are afraid of ever admitting that their beliefs may have flaws.

Non-existent mental boundaries: A person who has very few if any mental boundaries is said to have mentally enmeshed boundaries.  She doesn’t have a mind of her own, there’s nothing that she really believes in and her every thought is subject to change on a whim.

Example: Kim was taught that she isn’t smart enough to think for herself, so she believes whatever anyone tells her. Without boundaries, she’s not sure what she really believes and she doesn’t have any strong convictions of her own. Her thoughts change based on who she’s listening to at any moment.

If you’ve looked over this list and decided that you have perfectly healthy boundaries that are always intact, I suggest you read about the Denial Defense Mechanism.

From time to time, we’re all guilty of crossing boundaries or allowing others to cross our boundaries.  Unfortunately, it’s most often done with the people we love the most: parents and children, lovers and spouses, friends.  But life isn’t about getting everything right 100% of the time.  It’s about growth, experience and improvement—self improvement.  And self improvement starts with awareness.

By simply being aware of unhealthy and healthy boundaries in relationships, you’ll begin making amazing changes in your life as a whole.

Just remember…what people want more than anything is the freedom to be themselves—body, mind and soul.  Set boundaries for yourself and respect the boundaries of every other human being.

Vaughn Saball

Nea Justice

Nea is a Transformational Life Coach whose mission is to help you love your life.

If you desire the “good life” and you want to know how Nea can help you attain it, contact her now.

    

Happy (or Not So Happy) Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day, Lover’s Day, Sweetheart’s Day—no matter what name you use to reference February 14, it’s a day associated with celebrations of love.  Couples regard this day as an opportunity to express gratitude for the bond between them.

Stores are filled with lovey-dovey gifts you can buy for that special someone, commercials encourage you to send roses, and every movie seems to tell a love story.  But what if you don’t have a special someone? What if you are unhappily in love?

A stroll through the aisles of convenience stores is enough to make you vomit if you’re dreading Valentine’s Day.  Everything from stuffed bears and bright red balloons to heart-shaped candy and singing cards reeks of romance.

What seems so sweet when you’re madly in love, is actually quite bittersweet (or even torturous) for many others.  Fortunately it doesn’t have to be that way.  Valentine’s Day can be a beautiful experience for everyone, regardless of relationship status.

Instead of viewing Valentine’s Day as a day all about lovers, see it as a day all about love.  Relationships of all kinds—not just marriages and courtships—can be strengthened by expressions of love on this special day. After all, the people you make love to aren’t the only ones you love.  Right?  So, why should this day of hearts, songs and flowers include such limitation?

Being alone or single is no reason to be without the love that is what Valentine’s Day is all about.  If you’re heartbroken, lonely, or unhappy on Valentines’ Day, love yourself enough to change that.  And remember that you are not alone.

Millions celebrate love on this day, but many others suffer needlessly with lack of love.  How good it feels to do something about that!  Someone out there has nobody and they would love to see of hear from you.  Someone is mourning a loss, suffering through a break-up, recovering from a broken heart or otherwise feeling down in the dumps.  Instead of joining them, love them.

Make Valentine’s Day a day all about listening to the voice of your heart and connecting with the heart of others. Express love, appreciate love, perform random acts of love, and you’ll be loved in return.

However nontraditional they may be, the possibilities for sharing and experiencing love on Valentine’s Day are endless.  Make plans to spend time with friends who may also dread the candied hearts and love songs.  Reach out to someone who has lost their beloved through death, breakup or divorce.  Make someone’s day with a heartfelt gift or a surprise from a secret admirer.  Volunteer at a homeless shelter or bring Valentine’s gifts to a children hospital.

Whatever you do on Valentine’s Day, do it with love. Do it with love for yourself, love for others, and love for life itself. Who could dread a day like that?

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Comments are closed today – use those moments to show someone you love them. And if you’re going through a breakup, consider the Magic of Making Up as your solution to relationship repair.

Photo Credit: Cameron Howard

Nea Justice

Nea is a Transformational Life Coach whose mission is to help you love your life.

If you desire the “good life” and you want to know how Nea can help you attain it, contact her now.

    

The progression of a relationship comes in many phases, but by far the one that couples tend to enjoy the most is the notorious “honeymoon phase.” And who can blame them? This is when everything is new, exciting and blissfully perfect.  In fact, most wish this phase would last forever.  While this is impossible because the intensity of the honeymoon phase naturally decreases on its own, it doesn’t necessarily have to fizzle out entirely.

It takes hard work and dedication to maintain a meaningful relationship, but it can be done. Continue reading below to learn how.

#1. Communicate. Dating experts and specialists for years have stressed the importance of communication in keeping a relationship strong. Some have even suggested that simply talking a mere 10 minutes at the dinner table can help those that have been married for 50 years or more. Granted, these conversations need to consist of quality. Meaning, do not use your communication time to discuss bills and other obligations; but rather as an opportunity to ‘rediscover’ your loved one.

It is ill advised to assume that just because you’ve been with your mate for an extended period of time that you know everything there is to know about him or her. People change over the years and it’s your responsibility to communicate in order to be aware of these changes. What your mate might like even a year ago he or she may not like now. This can be something as simple as liking their eggs over easy instead of scrambled.

While on the same topic, try to avoid participating in activities that eliminate communication all together (i.e. going to the movies). Instead, go on dates that allow you to talk or show your fun and adventurous side.

It’s equally important that when communicating with your significant other that you always speak in a respectful and kind manner. Even if your conversation takes a turn for the worst, avoid name calling—seldom are these kinds of things ever forgotten and chances are your mate will start to develop a grudge.

#2. Grand Gestures. Once couples begin to get comfortable, all the tactics they used to woo their mate in the first place are thrown out the window. But it’s important that you find ways to show your love throughout the years, because frankly sometimes just saying “I love you” just isn’t enough.

This is not to imply that a grand gesture has to deplete your wallet, but it’s important that you find ways to show your love rather than just saying it. Like the old expression goes, actions speak louder than words. So, listen to your mate and get reservations to that new restaurant they can’t stop talking about or simply put your phone on silent while you are spending quality time to prove your attention is solely on them. Anything you can think of to display your unconditional love and devotion will help establish a long-lasting relationship.

#3. Spend time away from the kids. If you and your mate have children, it’s crucial that you find opportunities to get away from them a few nights during the month. This could mean establishing a weekly date night for just you and your beaux, or enjoying an evening with other grown-up friends. But finding some time to enjoy yourselves without the children can greatly strengthen your relationship.

This guest post is contributed by Vanessa Jones, who writes on the topics of dating sites.  She welcomes your comments at her email id: vanessa.jones42[at]gmail.com.

Related Relationship Advice Articles

75 Ways to Show Love in Relationships

The 5 Love Languages

The Truth About Bringing Up the Past in Relationships

Vanessa Jones

What is a friend?  As recent as 2009, my answer to this question was far more limited than it is today. I only regarded my most intimate friendships as true friendships.  Much to my surprise, that belief about friendship has evolved over the last year.  I am overjoyed with my renewed perspective on what is means to be true friends and I want to share it with you.

All about Friendship & True Friends

1. Friends hurt each other. Like family members, friends hurt each other.  It doesn’t feel good, but it doesn’t always indicate that the person isn’t your true friend.  We are most vulnerable to the people we care about, which means it’s easier for them to hurt us.  Nonetheless, being hurt by a friend doesn’t have to be the end of the road for that friendship.

It’s important to accept that the love between friends opens the door for hurt, yet true friends can maintain a friendship through rough times.

2. Friends keep secrets. The levels of intimacy, trust and connection are different in every friendship. In the most intimate friendships, friends know virtually everything about each other.  In other friendships, you may not share each other’s entire life story or expose every skeleton in your closet.  But that doesn’t mean one friendship isn’t a true friendship.

A friend who keeps certain aspects of their personal life private can still be a true friend. You don’t need to know everything about a person to know that there is something about them that you love.

3. Every friendship is different. Everyone appreciates a true friend who has been around for decades, proving loyalty through tests and trials.  But not every friend has to fit inside this box.

One of the best things about friendship is that it comes in many different forms. A friend may be someone who simply says the right thing at the right time on your Facebook wall.  Or someone who loves to listen when you need to be heard.  Not every friend has everything, so it’s important to appreciate what each friend brings to the table.

4. Friends aren’t perfect. With a long list of what it takes for someone to qualify as a friend, you will constantly find yourself weeding people out. Friends make mistakes.  Friends do things that you disapprove of. Friends don’t always communicate properly.  Friends have issues they haven’t properly dealt with.

Just because you aren’t fond of certain aspects of a person’s life, doesn’t mean they can’t have a role as your friend.  Through their imperfections, many friends teach us love, patience and acceptance.

5. Reason, Season, and Lifetime Friendships. Not every friend is a forever friend—and that’s okay.  Some people come into your life for a very specific reason, and their friendship may be just what you need at the time.

Unfortunately, people grow apart, friendships fall apart, and the time may come to let a friend go.  When that time comes, it doesn’t mean the person was never your friend.  It simply means that their season has passed.

6. Friends aren’t always there. Some friends are present on a regular basis, particularly whenever you need them.  This is something quite worthy of appreciation, but it doesn’t have to exist in every friendship.

If you’re in Arizona, you may never embrace your online friend in Bangladesh.  But if that friend adds value to your life in some way, it is a true friendship.  A friend is someone you share a meaningful connection with, but they aren’t always people who are physically by your side.

While I know that my own openness to change, learning and personal development play a large role in my renewed beliefs about friendship; I must give credit where credit is due.

I am immensely thankful for social networks and the entire World Wide Web.  Thanks to Facebook, Twitter, StumbleUpon and many others, people whom I’ve never met have touched my heart and changed my life in so many ways.  With every fiber or my being, I consider them my real, true friends.

What are your thoughts about friendship?

Have they changed as a result of social media and other factors?

Nea Justice

Nea is a Transformational Life Coach whose mission is to help you love your life.

If you desire the “good life” and you want to know how Nea can help you attain it, contact her now.

    

If you’re married or in a serious relationship, you’re no stranger to the phrase, “I love you.” You can say those 3 little words to your partner one million times, but we all know that it has to be followed up with action.

Showing love isn’t an exact science. We all speak different love languages, so you may show love in a way that your spouse doesn’t understand (and vice versa).  Well, it doesn’t have to remain that way.

Happy couples’ love for each other and dedication to the relationship lead to many adjustments in the way they show love to each other. If what you’re doing isn’t working for your relationship, it may be time to change your approach.  Use this list of 75 ways to show love as a guide to loving your mate in a way that may save your relationship or just take it to a new level of awesomeness.

1. A kiss on the forehead
2. Uninterrupted quality time
3. A note under the pillow
4. Tell him when he looks masculine, sexy, or hot
5. Turn a regular day into an All-About-You day just for your mate
6. Breakfast served in bed
7. A romantic picnic indoors
8. An unexpected dinner cruise
9. Propose marriage on one knee
10. Don’t complain when he leaves the toilet seat up
11. A rose on the pillow
12. Tell her she’s beautiful
13. Pour on the chivalry (open doors, pull her chair out)
14. A bubble bath with rose petals and her favorite scented candles
15. Verbalize what your relationship means to you
16. Surprise her with her favorite flowers and candy
17. An “I love you because…” list
18. PDA (public displays of affection)
19. Heart shaped pancakes or cookies
20. A walk in the park together
21. Hold your beloved a little tighter and longer than usual
22. Do some of his/her chores
23. A handwritten card sprayed with your scent
24. Spoil each other
25. Renew your marriage vows
26. Be first to say “I’m sorry” after an argument
27. Personalize (i.e. engrave) gifts
28. Place an “I love you” flyer under the car’s windshield wiper
29. Send a surprise gift to his/her workplace
30. Support each other’s dreams
31. Make love slowly, passionately
32. Run his bath water
33. Give your spouse space when needed
34. Buy her feminine hygiene products (before she asks)
35. Bring him a cold beer while he watches football
36. Put a love note in her purse
37. Hold hands
38. Take showers together and wash each other’s back (or whole body)
39. Look deeply into your lover’s eyes
40. Always kiss goodbye and goodnight
41. Boast about your mate and your relationship to mutual friends
42. Arrange for a babysitter so you can have an unexpected date night
43.  Say how much you love each other even if you think it’s known
44. Use cute pet names for each other
45. Rub your noses together
46. Remember to say thank you (often)
47. Excuse each other’s mistakes
48. Meditate together
49. Sleep in his t-shirt
50. Wash her hair
51. Step outside of traditional gender roles to help each other (Cook dinner for her; take the trash out for him)
52. Verbally reassure your lover
53. Take photographs as a couple
54. Give up the last piece of food on your plate
55. Write a short fairy tale using you and your mate as the characters (Once upon a time…”)
56. Listen more intently
57. Flirt with each other
58. Sing your significant other a love song
59. Get up early to help him/her get ready for work
60. Say “I adore you”
61. Watch a chic flick with her
62. Kiss your mate somewhere you never thought to kiss before (i.e. elbow, knee, toe)
63. Initiate affection (hugs, kisses, spooning)
64. Take good care of yourself so that you’re at your best for the one you love
65. A handmade gift or card
66. Write a sweet message on a fogged-up mirror so he/she will see it after exiting the shower
67. Cook your significant other’s’ favorite meal
68. Feed each other chocolate covered strawberries
69. Cuddle by the fireplace
70. Laugh and have fun with each other
71. Rub his/her feet
72. Create a scrapbook together
73. Start a hobby together
74. Dance indoors to your favorite song
75. Ask about each other’s day

Healthy relationships survive because both partners keep trying. They know the secret–that love is a verb. Loving your spouse or lover means taking action to help keep love (the feeling) alive and flourishing.

What are some of your favorite ways to show love? What are some ways you’d like your partner to show love? Do you agree that love (the action) is as important as love (the feeling).

Related Relationship Goodies

• The 5 Love Languages
• Get Your Ex Back  – Relationship Healer
• 40 Signs You’re In a Healthy Relationship

Nea Justice

Nea is a Transformational Life Coach whose mission is to help you love your life.

If you desire the “good life” and you want to know how Nea can help you attain it, contact her now.

    

If you’re in a healthy relationship, you know it.  In fact, you and your mate likely worked hard to get to that point.  However, it’s not always a clear when we’re NOT in a healthy love relationship. Why? Well, we usually carry on relationships in ways that we learned from others—and to us it seems normal.

We may not realize that our parents’ 40 year marriage was the epitome of dysfunction. We may think Leave it to Beaver was the perfect example of what life, relationships, and family are all about.  We may not realize that smiling, happy couples have problems behind closed doors.

The 40 healthy relationship signs below are meant to open your eyes to what healthy relationships are all about.  It’s not all smiles and kissy-face; but it’s real.

1. You can be your true selves with each other.
2. You feel comfortable sharing your deepest thoughts, fears, and emotions with each other.
3. You rarely lie to each other, but you also refrain from being brutally honest.
4. You give each other space and/or “Me time.”
5. You make it through rough times as a couple without splitting up.
6. You agree (or genuinely agree to disagree) on financial matters.
7. You treat each other the way you would like to be treated, not necessarily the way you feel you’re being treated at the moment.
8. You and your mate completely deal with your problems, refusing to leave them unresolved until resentments form.
9. You forgive each other for mistakes.
10. You don’t tell each other what you should or shouldn’t think/feel.
11. You both listen without interrupting.
12. You respect each others’ privacy.
13. You speak each others’ Love Language, even if it’s different from your own.
14. You willingly make sacrifices for each other.
15. You share mutual interests and activities.
16. You respect each others’ individuality and make the most of your differences.
17. You act as each others’ backbone, providing loving support without guilt.
18. You share spiritual beliefs or a spiritual connection.
19. You show sensitivity to each others’ needs.
20. You discuss and negotiate instead of fighting.
21. Each partner takes responsibility for their own thoughts and feelings.
22. There is mutual trust and dedication.
23. You have a strong friendship.
24. In addition to loving each other, you genuinely like each other.
25. You don’t judge or force your opinions on each other.
26. You take quality time to nurture your relationship.
27. Both partners maintains his/her own set of boundaries and respects the boundaries of the other.
28. You are both attentive to the needs of yourself and the other.
29. You enjoy physical contact (hugs, kisses, cuddling, sex) together.
30. You show appreciation for each other.
31. Hardship, uncertainty, and disagreements are accepted as a part of life.
32. You communicate openly and meaningfully with each other.
33. There is equal power between you and your mate.
34. You keep your expectations of each other in check.
35. You genuinely apologize to one another when feelings are hurt.
36. You and your mate speak up assertively instead of expecting the other to read minds.
37. You both eliminate passive aggressive behavior (ignoring, silent treatment, eye rolling, stomping, hanging up the phone) as much as possible.
38. You have a strong sense of interdependence (mutual responsibility) to each other rather than dependence or co-dependence.
39. You avoid going to bed mad.
40. You CAN live without each other, but you choose each other over every alternative choice.

If all 40 of the above apply to you and your spouse/mate, you’re in better shape than most people in the world. However, every relationship has its challenges.

Instead of using the signs that you’re in a healthy relationship as a way to judge yourself and your mate, use them as a guide to growth. After all, relationship success is a part of self improvement success.

Relationship Goodies

Get Your Mate Back – Magic of Making Up

The Five Love Languages

What Love is Not

Nea Justice

Nea is a Transformational Life Coach whose mission is to help you love your life.

If you desire the “good life” and you want to know how Nea can help you attain it, contact her now.

    

In a country where lovers are more familiar with breakups than they are with romance, and divorce is more common than marriage, successful relationships seem as realistic as a castle in the sky.

Is that because we don’t want to make relationships last?  Is it because we just don’t care?  Maybe it is because we don’t know how to nurture these relationships and make them last a lifetime.

In the book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman describes the importance of learning and speaking your partner’s “love language.”  According to this concept, to develop (or maintain) a healthy relationship you must learn to love your significant other in a way that he or she can interpret.

Consider this:  If you speak Dutch to someone who only understands English, communication is not taking place.  No matter what you say or how beautifully you say it, that person won’t receive the message as you meant it.  By the same token, we all seem to express and comprehend love according to different “love languages.”

Communicating Love in 5 Languages

What comes to us all naturally is to communicate with others in the way that we know how.  However, relationships challenge us to think and behave outside of what comes to us instinctively.

Here’s an example: Sharon feels most loved when her husband showers her with reassuring, flattering statements, such as, “I am so happy to have you as my wife” and “You are still the most beautiful woman in the world to me.”

Her husband Rob, on the other hand, feels most loved when his wife showers him with physical contact.  By simply brushing against him when she walks by or straddling him when he gets home, Sharon can reassure Rob of her enduring love for him.  But there’s a problem.

Because Rob recognizes touch as a means of communicating love to him, he uses this technique to communicate his love to Sharon.  He attempts to kiss, rub, fondle, and brush against her at every chance he gets.  He feels completely defeated, confused, and undesired when his attempts to show love are met with rejection.

Because verbal confirmation makes her feel loved, Sharon communicates her love to Rob by thanking him for everything he does and reminding him of how handsome he looks to her.  She silently wishes he would return the favor by being more vocal about how he feels. Furthermore, she even assumes he doesn’t appreciate her because he doesn’t say so.

Sharon and Rob speak different love languages. They both try to communicate with the other using the language that comes naturally to them—their own primary love language.  Unfortunately, communication is the one thing that is NOT taking place.

These situations happen all the time and they often result in unhappy marriages or bitter divorces.  Fortunately, you can save your relationship rather than winding up amongst the negative statistics.

Maintaining Healthy Relationships

By simply realizing that we may speak a different love language than our significant other, we can get the wheels of relationship success turning. Many couples break-up because one or both partners become fed up with putting forth so much effort to show love—only to feel that they’re not appreciated by the other person. It may not even cross their minds that a basic communication issue, rather than a true lack of appreciation, may be at the core of their relationship problems. In order to communicate love effectively to your partner, discover which one of the following is his or her primary love language:

Words of Appreciation

This love language includes statements that express love, adoration, appreciation and devotion.  A simple, “Thank you for being there for me” or “Dinner was so wonderful sweetheart,” may be just what you’re longing for if this is your primary love language. This may feel a little awkward at first for those who aren’t comfortable expressing their feelings aloud.

Quality Time

Picnics in the park, romantic dinners, quiet conversation, playing a game, or cuddling in bed are the makings of a successful relationship for someone who speaks the Quality Time love language.  This love language is not about proximity, it is about having the undivided focus and attention of the person you love. If one partner is extremely busy, sacrifice will be necessary in order to save the relationship from unhappiness or demise.

Gifts

Some partners feel loved when they’re given something tangible as an expression of their partner’s love.  Major problems can arise if someone who speaks this love language is in a relationship with someone who despises spending money “unnecessarily.” In such a case, it is important to remember that successful relationships require compromise.  If flowers, candy, and perfume are what it takes to communicate love to your mate, it may be worth relaxing your frugal ways.

Acts of Service

If gifts, words, and time aren’t doing the trick, maybe you or your mate prefer acts of service.  Those who speak this language may respond best when you help with the dishes, run their bath water, cook a healthy meal or keep track of their appointments.

Physical Touch

If foot massages, sexual contact, hand holding, or back rubs are the biggest love communicators for you or your partner, your love language is Physical Touch. When a person isn’t accustomed to frequent touch, it may feel odd to communicate love to a more touchy-feely partner.  However, the experience may become more pleasant with time.

Using What You Know About Love

Now that you know the basics of the 5 love languages, it’s time to discover which one is the primary love language of your mate.  Don’t make an assumption here.  Talk to your partner and ask plenty of questions.  Let him or her guide you to that primary love language. But don’t stop there.  Ask yourself if you are willing to communicate love on your partner’s terms.

Even more important than learning your partner’s love language is understanding your own primary love language.  This helps you to know what comes naturally to you, how you communicate love to others, where you fall short, and what it takes for you to have a healthy relationship.

It is only through discovering yourself that you truly become ready to help your partner love you the right way.

It’s comment time. So, what is your primary love language? Does your spouse speak the same language?  Do you see value in the concept of “love languages” for healthy relationships?

Related Self Improvement Information

Relationship Healer—The Magic of Making Up

What Love is Not

Love and Relationship Quotes

Nea Justice

Nea is a Transformational Life Coach whose mission is to help you love your life.

If you desire the “good life” and you want to know how Nea can help you attain it, contact her now.